Red Ashes
by forevernever030
Summary: She's the one who doesn't want to fall in love, he's the one who can't love. But one day, they find themselves slowly fixing each other. Clary/Jonathan
1. Say Something

**Say Something**

"Hey," he says, approaching me with two cups of coffee in his hand.

"Seriously? Your coffee delivery is the slowest ever," I complain, but with smile on my face.

"Sorry, your majesty. I was... Held up."

"By what?" I ask, squinting my eyes.

"Don't you know?" He asks, frowning.

"Know what?"

"Never mind."

There's something off about him. But I don't blame him. He's been through a lot lately.

He hands me the coffee and I slowly take a sip, enjoying the warmth.

"So...?" He says, staring at me carefully.

"So what?"

"Are you going to miss me?"

"You mean you're going somewhere?"

"Yeah. Sorry."

"No need to apologize. But why?"

"I just have to..." He stares at the sky for a moment.

"Is it dangerous? Where are you going?"

"No. It's not dangerous at all. I'd be dying to bring you with me, in fact."

"Then why don't you?"

"Because, I'd be very selfish to do so. And I love you."

"You're not making any sense. Why is it selfish? Where are you going?"

He smiles, and his beautiful blonde hair ruffles in the wind.

"Jace?"

"I'll be back soon, okay?"

Then, he stands up and stares at the quiet ocean behind me. Wait what? We were in a park just a few moments ago.

"I love you," he whispers.

"I love you too. But is there something wrong? You're acting really weird and it's scaring me."

"Don't fall for someone else too fast, okay?"

"Jace?"

Then a wind blows. It's strong. And Jace, my Jace starts breaking into pieces.

"Jace! No!"

I desperately put my arms around me, but soon, there is nothing. Nothing at all.

* * *

Caffeine helps. Definitely. I sip my drink, playing with my stele. I touch the object carefully, liking the way it feels against my skin.

I close my eyes, trying to sort my thoughts. The cold air doesn't help, so I decide to take a warm shower. I strip and turn the water on, letting the clear liquid cascade down my body. I clean myself fast, enjoying the warmth. Then, when I'm done, when I have nothing left to do except for breathing in and out, I finally let everything out. I collapse on the wet surface, burying my face in my hands.

I let out a strangled sound, wishing it will wash away my pain. It doesn't. But it does release my anger. Toward Jonathan and toward Valentine. Toward me.

I sob loudly since there is no one in the house except for me. I weep for the boy who I loved so much. Who I still love so mich. Who I'll never stop loving.

I think about his soft blonde hair. I think about his beautiful golden eyes. I think about his strong arms which used to wrap around me everytime I felt like this. Those are the things I'd never be able to see again. Those are the things that don't belong to me anymore. They're gone, just like him.

It never stops. The pain. It probably never will. But I keep myself busy. Not daring to think about him. But at night, the most violent, yet the most silent time of the day I feel my body slowly dying.

The nightmares greet me insidiously, killing me slowly and painfully. And last night, once again, I dreamed about him. If I just grabbed him more tightly in my dream, maybe he might've stayed. Just like he could have if I didn't leave the house that night. Just like he could have if I didn't say those words. The words he last heard from me.

* * *

When I answer the door, Simon is standing outside.

"Hey. Mind if I come in?"

"No. What's up?"

"Just wondering how you were doing," he says, walking inside and taking his coat off.

"Or more like checking if I attempted suicide?" I ask jokingly, though my tone remains serious.

"Or more like helping you not to attempt suicide. Come on. Let's do something fun."

"Fun like what?"

"Do you wanna build a snowman?" He asks, mimicking the song.

"Simon," I say, glaring at him. "You know I hate that song."

"It doesn't have to be a snowman," he says, shrugging, making me smile a little.

"Okay, stop. I'll stop moping around but just stop singing that."

"Alright. So, what do you want to do?"

"We could talk about the reason why you're always so childish."

"I'm so not childish. Actually, that just reminds me," he says, then starts tickling me.

"Stop! Stop! Simon freaking Lewis!"

"At least I made you laugh. Come on. Do you want to bake some cookies?"

"Simon," I say, sighing. "I really don't feel like hanging out. I kind of want to be alone right now."

"Oh please. You were laughing just a few seconds ago!"

"Well, you tickled me."

"You want me to do it again to make you laugh?"

"No. I just... Can you please leave?"

"Clary. I know it hurts, but you need to learn to move on. Isabelle did, at least."

"No, she didn't. She's just better at pretending."

And it's not her fault that he died.

"Well, at least you can try. To have some fun."

"I don't want to have some fun."

"Correction. You need to have some fun. Come on, we're watching a movie."

"Fine," I say, knowing whatever I say can't change his mind.

"So...? How about the Fault in our-"

"No."

"About ti-"

"Simon."

"Okay. No romance."

"Can we watch like a comedy or something?"

"Alright. Pitch Perfect it is."

* * *

The movie actually turned out to be okay. Well, except for the kissing part...

He turned the thing off when they started to kiss, so not much damage done.

"Hey. You alright?"

"Yup," I tell him, though obviously I'm not. "Tell me, how many guys do you think had sex with Stacie?"

He laughs, not answering my question and shoves more popcorn in his mouth.

"I need to go now, or else I'm dead."

"A date with Isabelle?" I ask, a little disappointed.

Although I didn't like the idea of him coming over at first, I don't want him to leave either now.

"Yup."

"Well, better get going if you like your fingers."

"Probably," he say laughing.

Then, he notices me disappointed look even though I tried really hard to hide it.

"Hey, I can cancel the date, you know."

"No. This will be hard for Isabelle too. He was her brother, so yeah."

"Alright. But if you need me, you know I'm just a phone call away."

"I'll be fine. Well, have fun!"

"Yeah. Bye."

The silence visits me again, leaving me empty.

Despite the cold, I open up the window, just to numb my pain.

The wind is strong, slapping my face. Each slap seems to tell me how it was all my fault. How I didn't acknowledge his limit and fear. How I could have saved him, but didn't.

Swallowing my tears, I let the wind punish me.

"Jace. I'm sorry. Ever since his death... I knew something was off with you. And I knew you needed my help. I knew something else was going on. But I didn't help you. Because... Because I was so scared. That you've changed. I was scared of you. For you. And I'm sorry I ignored your pain. I thought... I thought everything will go back to normal if I shut everything out. So I shut you out. But if I can... If I can take it back... I would listen to you. I'm so sorry," my voice is now a whisper, filled with sorrow and shame. "If you can hear me... Please. Say something. Anything."

But there is only wind. Because he's gone. For real.

I stand up, close the window and head outside. To Pandemonium. Where I can forget everything.

* * *

"Clary?" Someone behind me says over the loud music, making me turn around.

To my surprise, it's Trey. I had a few classes with him at school before, but we were never that close. His light brown hair and green eyes make me feel like the days before. Before everything happened. When I was normal.

"Hey! Didn't think I would see you here," I say, each word slurred because of the alcohol I've used to wash away my pain.

"Are you... Drunk?"

"Maybe?" I reply, giggling like a little girl.

"Wow... I've never seen you drunk before."

"Well, now you have."

"So hey, since we haven't seen each other for long, do you want to go for a dance?"

I don't hesitate even for a second.

"Sure."

 **Okay, so I just want to tell you that I haven't read TMI for so long, there would be a lot of mistakes. So please review and correct me. I know this isn't a good idea, but my mom doesn't let me read fantasies anymore, and I really wanted to write this, so I'm taking the risk.**

 **The story is set after Valentine's death. And after... Well, after Alec dies. Yeah, I really like him, but I had to kill him as well as Jace. Becsuse of this, Clary is devastated and decide to forget about being a shadowhunter and go back to normal life. So enjoy!**


	2. I'm Giving Up On You

**I'm Giving Up On You**

The song is like a drug to me. Intoxicating. Blurring my thoughts. Blurring the image of Jace. Don't think about him, I tell myself.

Trey is pressed close to me, close enough I would feel uncomfortable if I was sober.

We don't talk, we dance to the blaring music. I forget about everything, just concentrating on losing myself.

Trey's brown hair sticks to his forehead because of sweat, and his hands move down to my hips. And I allow him to. I actually like it. I grind against him, making him groan and bury his face against my neck. He carefully sucks my skin, and I shudder in pleasure.

My head hurts from all the drinking, but Trey chases the pain away.

His hands travel lower, and grab my dress. He slowly hitch it up, and I don't resist. He then, kisses me on my lips passionately, his hands touching every part of my body.

"Not... Here," I gasp.

* * *

I wake up to soft breath on the back of my neck. I slowly open my eyes, finding myself facing a white wall. With a pair of strong arms around me. Around me, naked. Yelping, I push the arm away, sitting up, but covering myself with the white sheet.

"Hey. Sorry if I scared you."

"Trey?" I ask, confused.

"You don't remember anything?"

I remember drinking. Pandemonium. Seeing Trey. Dancing. And... Oh god.

"Did we... Do it?" I ask carefully.

"Um... Yeah, I think so."

Damn. I lost my virginity last night, and I don't remember the process. I've always dreamed of my perfect first time. But this...

"Did we use protection?" I ask again, my voice trembling.

"Oh shit," he says, looking alert.

This isn't good.

"I am... So sorry."

"It's okay," not.

"I should have been more careful."

"I did it too. It's my fault that I was so drunk."

"Well, you're better than girls in the movie freaking out because they lost virginity."

Um... I _am_ freaking out. Like freaking out crazy.

"I should... Get home. Is your mom here?" I don't want to burst into tears in front of this boy.

"No. She's out."

I cover myself with the bedsheets and get out of the bed. I find my dress on the floor and pick it up.

"I... Um... Need to get dressed."

He nods and leaves the room.

Okay, I am not going to cry. Not here at least. I put the clothes on fast, and go outside, finding Trey making a bowl of cereals.

"You want some?"

"No thanks."

"Are you gonna go now?"

"Yeah... I've got some works to do."

"You need a ride?"

"No, I can catch a cab."

"Alright. So call me... When you need me?" He tells me, giving me his number.

Like when I find out I'm pregnant?

"Sure. Bye."

* * *

I sob in the water, coughing and hiccuping at the same time, which makes really weird sound. I cry until I feel like every moisture in my body is gone, praying tha the test result will be negative. How could I be so stupid? I clean my body over and over, disgusted at the fact that I willingly let someone I barely know touch it just a few months after his death.

* * *

I slowly punch in the number, and wait for him to answer.

"Hello?"

"Hey, this is Clary."

"Oh hey. I was waiting for you to call. So...?"

"Negative."

He lets out a breath, and I can mentally see him smiling.

"Good. Are you alright?"

"Yes."

"Was it... Your first time?"

"Yeah," I admit.

"Sorry."

"I don't... Really want to talk about it."

"Okay. Oh, and Clary?"

"Yeah?"

"I was wondering... Are you busy tonight?"

"No. Why?"

"Well, there's this art museum I know, and I thought maybe we could go together?"

Is this guy seriously asking me out on a date after sleeping with me? I consider this for a moment.

"I don't know, Trey. I just don't feel like going out right now."

"Oh. That's okay," he says, sounding disappointed.

"Sorry."

"It's fine, really. I need to go now. Maybe I'll see you again?"

"Yeah. Bye."

Before Jace, I'd have felt excited for being asked out, but now, I'm just afraid I'll have my heart broken again.

That night, I call Simon.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Feeling all guilty..."

"Why? What's wrong?"

I debate over telling him what happened or not.

"I lost my virginity last night," I say, taking a deep breath.

"And...?"

"Simon! It's only been months since his death, and I don't even remember it!"

"Look, I can clearly see you freaking out right now, about how you betrayed him, but seriously. He's gone, Clary."

"I... I can't believe you just said that."

"You need to admit it. You need to take it in. I get it that you still love him, but you still have your life, you know. Talk, laugh, meet your old friends again, go to school, go out an a date-"

"Don't you think he'll be mad if I move on so fast?"

"Clary, Jace loves you. He wants you to be happy."

Trey. Oh god. I'm going to call him.

"Bye, Simon!" I yell and hang up.

I still love him, and I know that no one will ever be able to replace him, but Simon was right. Jace wouldn't like this weak, pathetic Clary.

I don't feel that way toward Trey, but what's wrong with giving him a chance? Maybe just as friends. Someone who can help me get over it. Someone who can make me stronger.

This is hard. Really hard. But somehow, hearing his name again from someone, it made me stronger. Simon's right. It's been almost a year, not just a few months.

"Jace, thanks for making me strong again. I love you. And I know that I'll never stop loving you. But I changed my mind. I won't keep ruining myself over this just like that supid girl in Twilight. I will be strong. At least for you."

Then, I call him.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's me. Clary."

"Oh hi, is there something wrong?"

"No, I was just wondering... Do you still have that museum ticket? I changed my mind. I want to go."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I already asked someone else."

Of course he did, Clary. You barely know him. I try to hide my disappointment, which doesn't seem to work so well.

"But... Maybe if it's okay with you, we can still hang out. I mean, if you're not busy tomorrow, we can go to Java Jones and-"

"That sounds good. See you then."

"Yeah, good night."

When I put my phone down, I let out the breath I was holding.

I finally did it. I finally made one step toward normal. And possibly next Monday, I'm going to get back to school.

* * *

"So where were you? You were suddenly gone, and nobody knew why."

I gulp at his question. Just thinking about it hurts so much.

"Um... Family buisness."

"Oh...?"

"It's complicated, really. Long story."

"I think I can keep up."

"I can't."

"You want to talk about something else?"

"Can we talk about something simple? Like... What's your favorite food?"

"Pasta. Definitely. You?"

"Sushi for life."

"Sushi? Eww. How can you eat raw fish?"

"Hey, it's good."

"What's your favorite movie?"

"Damn. I can't choose. Ask me something else."

"Are you going to come back to school someday?"

"Oh, yeah. I actually plan on going back next Monday."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Well, welcome back! I'm sure everyone misses you."

"Is Mr. Woods still the same?"

"Unfortunately, he is. Remember that time when he was standing between the projector and the screen and the image was projected on his bald forehead? That was so hilarious."

"Oh yeah, and he didn't notice it, so everyone was literally dying."

After a few minutes, I realize that I'm actually having fun. I'm smiling, and already feel comfortable with him.

'Jace, I'll move on. At least I'll try to.'

 **That was the second chapter! So this is definitely about Clary and Jonathan, but I kinda like the idea of Trey in the story, so maybe I'll put Jonathan in the next chapter. Hope you enjoyed and please correct any of my mistakes**!


	3. I'll Be the One

**I'll Be the One**

I walk into my house, shrugging my jacket off. I've been attending the school for about three weeks, and it's not as bad as I thought. At least, it keeps me busy from thinking about him.

There's a note on the fridge with my mom's neat writing on it. It says that she's out, again with no reason. I pour orange juice in a glass and take it to my room. But unfortuately, it finds itself on the floor when I get there.

"Hello, Clarissa," the cold, hard voice speaks.

"What... What are you doing here?" I say, directing the question to the pale boy, sitting on my bed.

"Nice to see you too. I came for you of course."

"I don't want you here. Now go before I call the-"

"Call what? In case you've forgotten, you're not a shadowhunter anymore."

"I can still call Isabelle."

"You think your little friends can defeat me? Do you really want to put your friends and your mom in danger?"

"They're shadowhunters. They are all brave. It's what they do," I say, trying to sound unaffected by his threat, but I know he can hear my voice shaking.

"I know. they're brave enough to fight me. But the real question is sister, are _you_ brave enough to let them? No one can defeat me. Especially now since that blonde boy is dead."

"Don't... Speak of him."

"Still hurts, doesn't it?"

"I said stop."

"I know, he loved you. But the fate tore you apart. Or not, since he killed himself-"

"Stop!"

"But you, listen, you and I belong together. We are one. Nothing such as death can seperate us."

"Leave. Now."

"Calm down. I won't hurt anyone. As long as you do as I say, really."

"What do you want?"

"Not much. I need a shelter."

"Being chased, I see."

"Not chased. More like, a moment of retrieve. I need more number."

"Give me one reason I should let you stay."

"Well, let's see. You have a mother who you love so much."

"Don't bring her into this," I hiss, glaring at him.

"Like I said, I won't. Really, how hard is it to provide me with some bed and food?"

"Do not harm my mom though."

"Don't worry. Humans... Selfish, aren't they? Selling the Clave for their loved ones. Too bad you couldn't protect the boy though-"

"I said shut up!" I scream, feeling the flow of my tears on my cheeks.

Without thinking, I flung myself toward him, knocking him down on the bed thanks to his lowered guard.

"Well, well, look at you. A fighter, huh?" He says, unaffected by my attack, not even struggling a bit. "Do you really wish to fight me, sister?"

"I-"

Then, without warning, Sebastian reversed our position and pinned my wrists against the soft material of the bedsheets.

"You stand no chance against me. Or do you want me to prove that?"

I swollow, knowing what he is capable of.

"I thought so," he says, crawling off me.

* * *

"What do you mean, I won't get to sleep in bed?"

"It means, you won't get to sleep in a peice of furniture which is very comfy, and often has a bedpost, and can be big or small, goes along with a pillow, bedsheet, and blanket, and sometimes can be messy, and sometimes can be neat, and do you want me to elaborate further?"

"Woah, sis. You've changed a lot. I think I like it."

I groan, I throw myself on my bed, throwing him some extra blankets.

"I cannot believe this. I lead the entire Endarkens army, and I have to sleep on the floor."

"Trust me, you'll start falling in love with it. You know, it will always be there for you when you fall."

"Ha freaking ha."

I open my mouth to say something annoying, but then realize... What the hell am I doing? He might kill me in my sleep tonight.

"Just stay away from me."

"Whatever you say, Clarissa."

This is wrong. I know it is. This dude I'm talking to right now is Jonathan Christopher Morgenstern, the guy who killed innocent people. I know he have something in his mind. He wouldn't have just wanted a shelter. He wants something. I know it, because I know him. After all, he is my brother. I suddenly feel sick at this thought. That I was having a humane conversation with him.

"Why can't I take the sofa?"

"Because my mom might be back tomorrow mmorning. Just go to the storage area and sleep!"

"Alriht, alright. I'm going."

After he leaves, I turn the light off and try to sleep. Only if I could. Damn. A murderer is in my house. A murderer is in my house! And he can possibly kill me in my sleep. But no. Maybe not. I don't think he wants to kill me. At least not now. He has another reason that he's in this house.

How the hell am I going to fall asleep with him in my house? The thing is, I won't. I don't have to. I turn the light on, and get my phone. I silently text the boy and get out of my house as fast as possible.

* * *

"So what happened?" Trey asks.

"I got kicked out," or have a murderer in my house.

"Wow, that's... Unexpected. For how long?"

"Depends," on when he's gonna get out of my house.

"So you just decided to stay at my house?"

Well, better stranger than a killer. After all, I slept with him once already.

"Yup. What room can I use?"

"You can just use the guestroom. Here, I'll show you."

Trey is different. I avoided seeing any guys ever since the incident except for Simon, but he's different. He makes me feel normal. School helps too. Like the whole Shadowhunter thing was just a dream.

Tonight, it's even harder to fall asleep, even though Sebastian isn't really close to me right now. Seeing Sebastian reminded me again. Of him. And it hurts.

'Jace, I know I promised. I swear. I am trying my best. But it... Hurts so much. I'll move on. I'll try, at least. But just for tonight, I want to let go of myself again. Just for tonigt. I want to be broken. I can still see your face. You are... You are smiling. And I want to keep it forever. But I can't. Still, I love you. I will always love you. And I'll always be the one who loves you the most.'

Can he hear that? Does he know how much I love him? There was so much I wanted to tell him. That I love him, how I fell for him, how he makes me feel, or at least good bye. Just one thing. Oh, how I'd do anything to say just one thing to him. Anything.

I cry silently, careful not to wake Trey up, and fall asleep on the wet pillow. Knowing that tomorrow, I'll have to wipe the tears, be brave, and continue moving on.

 **I know... It was short. But I was on a vacation, and damn. I left my charger! Did I mention no internet connection? Anyway, I'll update soon. Also, thanks for reviewing! Glad you enjoyed**.


	4. If You Want Me To

**If You Want Me To**

"Can I stay here again tonight?" I ask Trey as I'm leaving for school.

"Sure. Anytime."

"Doesn't your mom mind?"

"No, not at all. She likes you. She actually talks about you all the time."

"Well, that's good."

I've been hanging in his place for a while, and we became quite close. Of course, not as close as Simon, but it turns out, he's really nice. Not exactly like Simon or him, which is actually good. New start, I always tell myself, new start.

"Come on, let's go."

Trey gives me a ride to school and back, resulting people assuming that we are together. I don't really mind though. He's nice, and I think if he asks me out, I will go out with him. I didn't exceptionally fall for him, but I promised Jace. Anything that will help me to move on.

He opens the door for me, and I suddenly wish he hadn't. Because what's standing in front of me is someone I wanted to run away from.

"What- How-"

"I have my ways, Clarissa," Sebastian cuts me off, smirking slightly. "Nice to meet you."

I reflexively make sure that he doesn't have any weapons with him. Thankfully, I don't find any, but you can never be sure.

"Um... Who's this?" Trey asks, apparently confused.

"Trey, this is my brother, Sebastian-"

"Jonathan, actually."

"And _Sebastian_ , this is Trey," I continue stubbornly.

"So you're kicked out too?"

"Kicked out? What are you talking about?" Sebastian says, clearly amused. "Oh I see, Clarissa told you that she was kicked out, didn't she?"

I mentally groan, wishing this idiot will just shut up and go away.

"I'm pretty sure that's what happened," Trey says.

"How amusing."

"Excuse me, but we have a school to go to," I quickly say, trying to avoid an awkward situation.

"That's too bad, I wanted to talk to you."

"Yeah, that's too bad. Let's go, Trey," I grab his arm and drag him outside.

Surprisingly, Sebastian doesn't stop us, but says something though.

"Your mom is back!"

My mom. Back from her secret little trip. Will be left alone with this psycopath.

And that's when I decide to come back home after school.

* * *

"Mom?" I ask nervously, walking into the house.

She'll be fine. She'll be fine. Sebastian promised. And I know he's too proud to break it.

"Hey, honey. How was school?" The familiar voice puts me to relief.

"Mom!" I say, running into her arm and embracing her.

She frowns, confused, but she still hugs me back.

"Is something wrong?"

"No. Everything's fine."

We talk for a while, but she leaves out the part about where she's been.

"Mom," I say carefully. "Did you get... Any visitors?"

"Visitors? No. Why, are you expecting someone?"

"No, it's nothing."

So Sebastian must be good at hiding.

"I should probably go to my room now. Got a biology test to study for."

"Alright. You want something to drink?"

"No, I'm fine."

I quietly get to the storage area, not daring to make a noise.

"Sebastian? You there?" I hiss under my breath.

"Looking for me sis?"

He appears in front of me, turning the light on.

"For how long are you going to stay here?"

"For quite a long time, I plan."

"Why?"

"Why not? I'm not hurting anyone."

"That's true, but-"

"But I remind you of him?"

That's something about him. He always leave me speechless.

After a moment of silence, he reaches behind him. For a second, I think he's getting a weapon, and I panick, but it turns out to be his stele.

"Here, let me draw you a comfort rune."

"No! I'm not a shadowhunter anymore!"

"But you still have Nephilim blood in your veins. Nothing will go wrong."

"But I quit!"

He squints, his eyes skeptical.

"Is there something I don't know about?"

Forgetting. It's scary. The numbness. It drove me insane the last time I tried the rune. Especially when it starts wearing off.

"Yes, but you don't need to know."

"Oh come on, Clary," he says, stepping closer to me, making me step back. "We share the same Morgenstern blood. We can't have secrets between each other."

"Then why don't you tell me the real reason you're here?"

"I already told you. The need of shelter."

"Yeah, right. Like I would believe that."

"Why won't you?"

Now, he has me backed up against the wall.

"Because... Because..."

Sebastian seems to find my distraction amusing, because he presses closer to me, his hands on my waist, making me go rigid.

I try to ignore my brother's hard, unyielding body against me, but as expected, it's difficult.

"What are you afraid of, Clary? This?" He asks, his cold lips touching the skin of my neck. "Or this?"

His lips are now trailing my collarbone, and I push him off in disgust, keeping my hands as steady as possible.

He chuckles, stepping away from me, his eyes still on mine.

"I'm not afraid of you," I tell him, trying to hide my shaking voice.

"Of course you're not. Oh, by the way, this storage area sucks."

* * *

This is bad. This is bad. I can't go back to Trey's because I can't leave my mom here alone. I know he promised me, but I just can't. But seeing him, it's like I'm back in the Shadow World again. Just when I decided to move on.

I stare at the rune on the back of my right hand, something I couldn't get rid of. Nephilim. Deadly. Running in my blood. Just like Sebastian told me. Morgenstern. Morning star. The light. And the darkness.

This is all too confusing for me. And I need to stop thinking about it. I am a mundane now. A broken one. A worthless one. Someone nobody needs.

"Jace... Do you miss me? Do you still want me?"

But of course, he doesn't answer. As always.

 **I have a special short Sebastian's pov ready for you!**

 **SEBASTIAN POV**

I walk out of the smelly storage area.

Careful not to wake my sister or her mother, I sneak out of the house, greeting the warm March air.

A figure approaches me, his hands stuck in his jean pockets.

"How's she doing?" He asks, keeping his voice down.

"Good. She's participating well," I tell him.

"Winter Solstice... A bit harsh, don't you think?"

"Patience, boy. Ten months. Ten more months and that's it."

"I trust you. I do," the young boy tells me looking into my eyes.

"Good. Faith is what matters the most."

 **So what do you think he's up to? And yes, this chapter is called If You Want Me To... :) I wonder why... Thanks for all the reviews and hope you liked this chapter**!


	5. Anywhere

**Anywhere**

I drag my sleepy body-I could barely sleep last night, thanks to my brother-into the kitchen, finding my mother there.

"Hey, honey. I've got a bagel for you."

"Thanks, mom. Can I have two?" I ask, thinking of Sebastian.

"Sure. Here you go."

"I'll have them in my room."

"Um... Okay, I guess?"

I bring the food into the storage area with a cup of coffee.

"Sebastian! You want breakfast?"

He appears from behind a big box, his hair messy as if he just woke up.

"Yeah, sure."

I give him one of the bagel, and turn to leave. But only to hear my mom's footsteps.

"Shit," I hiss under my breath, turning back to Sebastian. "Move!"

"To where?" He doesn't look as panicked as me, as always of course.

"Behind the box where you were!"

I push him until he starts listening to me, and I make sure my mom won't be able to see him.

"Clary?" I hear her voice.

"Yes mom?" I try to keep the nervousness out of my voice.

"What are you doing here?"

"I... Um... My art teacher told me to bring my coloured pencils, but I couldn't find them, so..."

"So you were looking for them in the storage area? Wouldn't they be in your room?" She asks a little bit skeptically, but I don't think she suspects about Sebastian yet.

"I was actually just thinking about the new package we bought before. You know, we put it somewhere here..."

Uh oh. That was a really awful excuse. Because I just remembered that the package happens to be in the box Sebastian is hiding behind.

"Oh, don't worry, hon. I believe that it's the box right there."

No, no, no, no, no.

"Yeah... Right... That one."

"Here, let me get them for you."

"No, mom. Wait!" I say, grabbing her arms.

"Is something wrong, Clary?"

"No, not at all. I just remembered... That I put the set under my bed. We probably shouldn't open the box."

"Um... alright," she says, but she must sense that something's going on. "But I think I'll need one more set myself."

"No, mom. Let me get them for you."

"No, let _me_ get them for myself."

I am so dead.

She walks toward the box, slowly opening it. Please don't find him, please the find him. She does. She looks behind the box.

"What the hell?" She screams, literally jumping away from the box.

"Mom, calm down. It's pretty cool, really."

"No, I will not calm down. You were sneaking in boys without my permission. Wait, he's a shadowhunter!"

Well, thank god that the last time she saw him was like years ago. But still, she might recognize his hair or his angular face.

"Yeah, he's a friend of Isabelle."

Sebastian stands up and just stands there, looking bored while I try so hard to calm myself.

"Isabelle? I thought you stopped hanging out with shadowhunters."

"Mom, I-"

"Lucas Ashtail," Sebastian interrupts.

How did he get up with the name?

"Nice to meet you, but not really. Clary...?"

"I'm sorry mom. He couldn't afford a shelter and..."

"He could have gone to the Institute."

"He had a fight with Isabelle."

"Look, I don't believe you, I'm sorry, but that's the truth. But I have this feeling that I don't want to hear the truth."

I look down, hoping she'll finish this fast.

"Just be careful, and make good choices."

What? What does she mean by that?

"Don't worry, Ms. Fray. I'll take care of her."

I just glare at him, and sigh in relief when she doesn't ask us about it anymore.

* * *

"So, I've been wondering," Trey tells me on the phone. "I heard about this movie playing in the theatre, and thought maybe you'd like to... Um... go with me?"

"Oh," I say, slightly surprised. "Sure, I'd love to."

I look up to the sky, wondering what Jace will feel about this. He'll be happy for me, right? But still, it kind of feels wrong. I know that he'd want me to try to move on, but why do I feel so guilty?

"Good," he replies, sounding relieved. "So how about tomorrow night?"

"Sounds good to me."

"Alright, I'll pick you up at seven."

After I hang up, I find Sebastian right outside my room.

"I didn't think you'd move on after that Jace guy."

I wince at the mention of his name.

"None of your buisness, clearly."

"You keep doing that, Clarissa," he says, smirking.

"Doing what?" I ask, uninterested.

"Shutting me out. Sooner or later, you'll be clinging to me."

"And why is that?"

"Because that's what people do to survive. Especially after-"

"I don't understand," I tell him sternly. "And I don't want to."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night," he says, walking into my room. "Your mom told me I can sleep in the guestroom."

"So?"

"So, you can sleep with me tonight if you want."

"Why the hell would I want that?" I say, rolling my eyes and disgusted.

"Because maybe you get scared at night? Tell me, what made you afraid so much last night that you couldn't sleep?" He says, sitting on my bed, making me tense.

"Why would you want to know?" I say, keeping my distance away from him.

"So I can comfort you to sleep tonight?"

"I don't need your comfort."

"Needing and wanting is different."

"Well, I don't need you, and also don't want you."

"Ouch, that hurts, sister. But can't you see? I am woven in your soul."

"You're wrong."

"We are born to love each other."

"You don't love me, and I don't love you. We'll never ever love each other."

"We'll see."

"How I would never love someone who killed numerous people."

"Please. You've killed numerous demons."

"People and demons are different."

"No, they're not."

And just like that, he leaves, once again leaving me thinking about his nonsense.

* * *

"Ask Lucas what he wants for dinner," my mom says, unsmiling.

"Lucas?"

"Your friend?"

"Oh, yeah. He eats anything, really."

"Alright, then. I'll fix you guys some pasta. You okay with that?"

I nod.

"Mom?"

"Yes?"

"Where have you been?"

"Like I told you, I just wanted a vacation."

"Vacation twice a month?" I ask, my eyes skeptical.

"Look, Clary. I'm sure there's something I don't know about that Lucas kid. But you should know too that I have secrets too. Sometimes, it's secrets that keeps people close together."

"But if you just tell me, I can-"

"Clary, please. There are things you don't understand just yet."

"So what are we having for din-" Sebastian stops when he sees us together. "Am I interrupting something?"

"No, not at all," mom says, keeping her neutral face. "Is pasta okay for you?"

"Yup. I love pasta," he says, smirking at me before leaving the room.

* * *

"So, Lucas," mom says, breaking the awkward silence during dinner. "Since when did you start hanging out with Clary?"

"Oh, since like forever. We are so close, I don't think we can get any more closer," he says.

"Weird. She never mentioned of you. Also, she stopped seeing her shadowhunters friends. I don't mean to be rude, but what makes you so special?"

"Believe me, Ms. Fray. We are _inseperable._ "

"Hmm."

"So mom, I'll be out tomorrow night, so..."

"What are you planning?"

"This friend. We're just watching a movie."

"Oh, do I know her?"

"It's him, not her," Sebastian says, laughing.

"A _him_. That's nice. I like that you're you know... After that..."

I nod nervously, hoping someone would change the subject for me.

"I'm done. Can I be excused? I'm really tired," I say, putting my fork down gently on the plate.

"Sure. Good night, honey."

"Yeah, good night honey," Sebastian copies her, both me and my mom glaring at him. "What?"

I roll my eyes and go to my room to get changed. I get myself ready for bed, and lie down, wondering if I can finally sleep tonight. Both my mom and I weren't hurt last night. But still, I can't chase the anxiety away.

'Jace, I miss you. Anywhere I went, you always made me feel so safe. But now, I'm so scared. So scared.'

 **So Jocelyn found out... And I never thought about her recognizing Jonathan, but seriously though, now that I think about it, I can't think of a way for her to know how he looks like... So yeah, she doesn't know it's Jonathan. And thanks for reviewing! Also, I'd like it if you tell me what movie Clary should watch with Trey. I was thinking about Insidious because it recently almost gave me a heart attack(it felt like someone was giving me a series of CPR) so tell me if you like the idea or not. Hope you enjoyed this chapter!**


	6. I Would Have Followed You

**I Would Have Followed You**

It's pass midnight, and I'm wondering if I'll ever fall asleep. All I can think about is his presence in the room right next to mine. What would he be doing right now? Probably up to no good. I must be really really selfish. But what else could I've done? I'm not the kind of superheroes who sacrifice their own family for the world. I'm just a plain old girl.

Then, I hear a loud crash. Like glass shattering crash. Coming from Sebastian's room. What the hell? What is he doing? Is he going to finally kill us all?

I stand up with shaking hands, debating whether to go check on him, or go protect my mom. But since I didn't hear his door open, I'm pretty sure I should choose the later.

Careful not to make any noise, I slowly walk across my room. I open the door, walk outside, and press my ear against the guestroom door.

"No, stop. I told you not to!" He's hissing loudly on the phone. "No, I'm gonna hang up. I told you, they might be able to listen into our conversation! I'm going to hang up. Meet me outside where we usually meet."

Then, I hear his footsteps, and figure he's probably walking toward the door. I hurry into my room, hoping he hadn't heard me.

I hear him climbing downstairs, walking toward the front door.

Who the hell was he talking to? I suddenly feel this responsibility to figure it out.

So, I do what any normal person would do. I follow him.

While he's walking for about a few minutes, I soundlessly follow him, trying to figure out where he's going. It turns out, his secret meeting place is some kind of a park. I go behind a tree when he approaches a figure sitting on a bench. The boy unknown is wearing a baseball cap, so I can't see his face. The weak streetlight isn't helping either.

"I told you not to call me, idiot!" Sebastian says, kicking the mystery boy's shin.

"No need to fuss. We didn't talk for much anyway."

"No, you listen to me. You are too young, and too inexperienced. You do what I say."

"Just until Winter Solstice, and this hell will be over," the boy mutters with stubborness in his voice.

"So what did you want to talk about?"

"I've been thinking about the girl... Why can't _you_ replace her?"

"Because there has to be the on who do it."

"You can inject me with your blood."

"That won't work. Listen, if you really don't start trusting me, I'm going to find another boy."

"Yes, but I'd know your plan. Your sick plan that involves your precious little sister."

I feel my knees buckle, and accidentally step on a twig, eliciting a small sound, but big enough for them to hear.

"What was that?" Sebastian hisses.

I slap my hand on my mouth, trying to hide the noise of my increasing breath.

Please just ignore it. Please!

"We'll do this next time. I should go," Sebastian days, walking toward the tree where I am, leaving the younger boy sitting on the bench.

What do I do? What the hell am I going to do?

I do the craziest thing ever. I collapse on the ground, facing the tree so Sebastian won't be able to see my face.

I can feel Sebastian looking at me, and I pretend to throw up, and muttering inaudible things so he will believe that I'm drunk. I fake-sob, making gagging noises, and hear his laughter and his footsteps, walking away from me.

I keep lying on the ground, trying to slow down my heartbeat. That was so close.

But what did the boy mean by the sick plan that involves me? Actually, that reminds me, what is that boy doing now? I peak around the tree, finding the boy still sitting on the bench.

Oh god. Guess I'll have to wait.

* * *

"Good morning. Did you sleep well last night?" I ask Sebastian.

"Yes, I did. I was actually going to ask you the same thing."

"I slept well enough."

There's this unmentioned tension between us, and mom seems to notice this because she asks me if we had a fight.

"No, we didn't. Nothing happened."

"Alright. I got pancakes for breakfast," she replies.

"Thanks, but I think I'll pass. I'm allergic to pancakes," Sebastian says coldly, heading upstairs.

What kind of person is allergic to _pancakes_? Answer: no one.

"Did something happen? I mean who the hell is allergic to pancakes?" Mom asks, and I just shrug, concentrating on the pancakes in front of me.

"So, who's this guy taking you on a date?" She asks carefully.

"Mom, it's not a date."

"Does he know that too?"

"We're just friends."

But I wouldn't mind if it really was a date. If it can't be Jace, I don't care if I go out with Shrek.

"Mm hm," she says, smiling a little. "It's good to see you seeing guys other than Simon."

I shrug once more, and take another peice of the food in my mouth.

"Is he cute?" She suddenly ask, being the oh-so-ordinary mom.

I choke on the piece of pancake, coughing loudly.

"What?" I manage to ask.

"I was just asking."

I stare at my mom for seconds.

"I'm finished," I finally say and go upstairs to my bedroom, listening to my mom's laughter.

* * *

After finishing my homework, I lie down on my bed, thinking about not-really-a-date-date with Trey. He told me we could watch Paper Towns, and I'm pretty excited. Of course for the movie, not that I'm excited to hang out with him. But also not that he's not fun to hang out with. He's fun and stuff, and... Oh god, what am I doing?

I scream, kicking my blankets, oblivious of a visitor.

"Wow, did someone run over your cat?"

"I don't have a cat," I mumble.

"Do you always have to be so literal?" Sebastian asks, smirking.

"Here, you want an example? Go away, like _literally_."

"Why do you hate me so much?" He asks, and I stare at him incredulously

"Are you kidding? You're the one who ruined my life!" I scream.

How can he be so oblivious? I feel tears of anger burning behind my eyes.

He stares at me, confused.

"You killed Alec," I hiss. "And that's why he did it. That's why he's dead!"

Then, to my surprise, he laughs. He slouch on the wall, grabbing his stomach.

I feel my anger, burning inside me, thinking of everything he did.

I run toward him, raising my fists without thinking. I hit him as hard as I can, pinning him against the wall, but he's not affected by that. He grabs both of my flying wrists, and reverses our position.

I gasp hard, struggling against him. He moans as I accidentally create a friction, and I start to panic.

"Stop," he hisses. "I am trying explain."

I finally calm myself down, waiting for the _explanation_ he has promised.

"Clarissa, I did not kill Alec," he says, still not loosening his grip on my wrists.

"Liar. If not you, who did?"

"A murder, doesn't always happen intentionally."

"You're saying that you killed him accidentally? You expect me to believe that piece of shit-"

"No, I'm saying, that I am not involved in his death. At least not directly. And for Jace's stupid little suicide-"

"Don't speak of him like that!"

"Jace is not that kind of person. Not the one who'd take his own life away because of his loved one's death. He's braver than that."

"What are you saying? It was a suicide."

"I didn't say it was not a suicide. I'm saying that sorrow isn't the actual thing that ruins someone. Tell me, Clarissa. What do you think is the real emotion that drives people crazy to death?" He hisses into my ears, his lips brushing against my skin.

I close my eyes, for myself, painfully knowing the truth.

"You want me to tell you?" He asks excitedly, glad that I got into his sick entertainment.

"Don't."

"I think you know the answer."

"Stop this."

"Guilt," he says, smirking like a boy who's found his gifts under a christmas tree. "Do you hear that? Your guilt screaming, buried in your heart? Do you want to let it go?"

I suddenly feel weak, knees buckling. Sebastian lets go of my wrists and grabs my waist instead. I don't bother to push him away, taking everything in.

Can he be speaking the truth?

 **Yeah, I know, I know. I wanted to put the movie scene in this chapter, but I didn't watch Paper Town yet, and I had this strong urge that I should watch the movie before writing the scene about it because I wanted to make it relatable to this fanfic. So please wait for my next update that might take longer than usuall since I have to watch the movie. Sorry... Anyways, thanks for reviewing and hope you all enjoyed this chapter!**


	7. And I Am Feeling So Small

**First off, I'm going to start by apologizing. I tried to watch the movie, but I didn't have the opportunity to, and it felt like if I kept waiting, I'll lose my affection to this story, so I just decided to continue. I am so sorry. So I got a longer chapter than usual! Well, anyways, here's your chapter!**

 **And I Am Feeling So Small**

"Thanks for the movie. It was great, really," I say, walking out of the theatre.

"Glad you liked it. John Green will always be my favorite author," Trey tells me.

"You mean there's a book?" I ask him.

"Yeah. You should read it. You'll love it."

"I will."

"You have to go, right?" He asks, when we reach a park that's close to my house, reluctance in his voice.

"My mom will be worried, so..."

"Oh," he says, disappointment clear in his eyes.

"But maybe I can stay for a few more minutes?" I say, smiling and sitting down on a bench.

He sits down next to me, watching people walking around.

"It's um... It's actually my birthday today," he blurts out after a moment of silence.

"Oh, is it? Why didn't you tell me before?" I complain.

"I just... I don't know."

"Well, happy birthday. I'm sorry I didn't get you something."

"It's okay. You didn't know. And I... I was wondering..."

He pauses, and I look into his eyes, searching for hidden emotions.

"I'll... I'll give you three seconds to slap my face."

"What?" I ask, confused. "Why would I do that?"

But just then, he leans in and presses his lips against mine gently and very briefly.

"One, two, three," he counts slowly and quietly with his forehead pressed against mine, while I'm frozen like a statue, not daring to move an inch.

Just as he finishes counting, he leans back in, this time kissing me more passionately and urgently.

I reflexively close my eyes, letting his lips move against mine. When his hands slid down my waist to my hips, I respond with tangling my hands in his brown hair. I try to get lost in the kiss like with Jace. Jace. Jace. But the name is carved in the back of my head even though I try. Trey, I tell myself. You are kissing Trey. Jace is gone. I promised to move on.

But the more I kiss him back, the more the grief comes back. Forget him. Trey. This is Trey. I pull away from him, wishing my tears won't start flowing.

"I should probably go," I tell him quietly, his eyes still closed.

I stand up, and so does Trey, walking me back to my house.

* * *

"So how was your date?" My mom asks me when I walk in.

"It was not a date."

"Sure it wasn't. I can smell hormones, you know," she says, smiling widely.

"Eww," I reply curtly, going upstairs.

I plunge myself on the bed, thinking of everything that happened.

Just when we reached the front door, he wanted to be my boyfriend. And yeah... So he wanted to be my boyfriend. He wanted to be my boyfriend, meaning he wanted me to be his girlfriend. Yes. And what did I say? Yes... Did I say yes? Do I have a boyfriend now? Duh, I said yes, didn't I?

"You didn't loose your virginity, right?" Sebastian asks from my doorway.

"We just watched a movie."

"Are you sure he's not gay?"

"I'm sure," I'm his freaking girlfriend.

"Why? Did he touch you like I would have?"

"If he touched me like you would have, I might have been home an hour ago."

He slowly approaches me, sitting on my bed. I flinch away from him, and he lets me.

"Why are you really here?" I ask, not knowing where this courage came from.

"I told you why," he says, his face emotionless.

"I saw you."

"Well, I saw you too. We see each other everyday."

"No, I saw you, when... When you were talking to a boy about 'your sick plan that involves your sister'."

"Ah. I kind of guessed that."

"What is your sick plan?"

"I don't have one."

"Liar. I swear, if my mom's involved in this too, I will-"

"I should say, your mom is involved in this. But no one forced her. She did it herself."

I sit up abruptly, glaring him as hard as I can.

"Let her out of this."

"Trust me, I'd love it if she stays out too, but she must be really stupid."

"Tell me what you're planning."

"And why would I do that?"

"Because... Because you need me in the plan, and if you don't tell me, then..."

"Then what? You don't want your precious mother or friends to get hurt, right? You're too selfish. But don't worry, at the end of this, you will be happy, I promise that."

"No, I want to know!" I say, trying to get out of the bed so I can look more threatening.

But he grabs my ankles and pulls me back on the bed. He pushes me against the mattress, straddling my hips.

"You will get to know at some point," he says, pinning both my wrists above my head.

"Let me go!" I hiss, but not loud enough for my mom to hear me.

"Or what? Are you gonna threaten me? That's kinda hot."

"You're... You're so sick!"

He laughs, leaning his face toward me, kissing my collarbone. I struggle against him, but my effort seems to turn him on more.

"Not... A good idea... When you're under me..." He says, moaning, making me stop.

"Clary," he whispers against me ear, his hands on my waist, his grip strong.

He then, kisses me on my lips, his hot lips trying to make mine to get moving. His tongue seperates my lips, moaning as I try to push him back.

After a while, he pulls away to find his breath.

"I have a ... Boyfriend," I tell him, hoping he'd stop.

"A boyfriend?" He asks, jealousy evident in his eyes.

"Trey..."

"Ah, that boy," to my surprise, his jealousy disappears as soon as I mention the name. "I can share."

But just as he leans in again, I pull my knee up to his stomach as hard as I can. He gasps in surprise and pain, his grip on my wrists loosening a bit. I use this distraction for my escape, but he yanks my arm back just as I reach the door. I try to punch his face, but he expects this and ducks. He grabs my wrists again, pushing me against my nightstand. I hold back my scream as my body hits the object, dropping the books that were on it.

"Clarissa, you know you can't fight me."

I just glare at him, trying to catch my breath.

"Maybe... Maybe..." I pant.

"Clary?" A voice asks from my doorway.

Oh shit.

My mom looks at me, pinned against my nightstand, and Sebastian, holding my wrist tightly.

"What we're you guys doing? You, what are you doing to my daughter?"

"Mom, it's not what you think!"

"I thought you liked Trey."

"I do! I um... This is for a school play."

"A school play?" She asks skeptically. "Can't think of a better excuse?"

"Should we tell her?" Sebastian asks quietly.

I glance up at him, not knowing what I should say back.

"Ms. Fray, I know that your daughter isn't a shadowhunter anymore, but I wanted to train her, and she agreed."

"Then why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I know how much you want to keep your daughter from the Shadow World. That's why we were keep lying. That's why we tried to keep it a secret."

"Why couldn't you use a training room or something?"

"I didn't want to bring back her bad memories about training room."

"Oh," she says. "Lucas, I don't mean to be offensive, but I don't think I can just believe anything someone says. That's why I can't believe you completely. I don't know what you two are up to, but I know that I won't like it. This is my daughter, and you have her pinned against a nightstand in her bedroom. Do I have to explain further?"

"No, Ms. Fray."

"Good. And Clary," she says, turning to me. "I trust you. Believe me, I do. But I also love you. You're my daughter. So please, don't do something you'll regret. And I think you should stay away from Lucas. I'm sorry, Lucas, but I have this feeling that you are not healthy for my daughter."

Well, what do they say? Mother knows the best.

* * *

"Hey, Simon. I left you some messages but you didn't answer, so... I just have a lot of things going on right now, and I really need you. Your friends are missing you back in St. Xavier's and... I miss you too. So please, call me."

Beep.

I end the voicemail, hoping this time, he'd call me. I am just so lonely and confused. Does he hate because of something I did? Something I said? It sucks not to know anything. Or maybe he got hurt? Fear creeping in, I search for Izzy's number and call. Hers too, connects to the voicemail.

"Hey, um... Call me?"

What is wrong? Did they find out about... Jace and me? Oh god, no. Please. As much as it hurts, I don't want to loose my friends.

"Betrayed by your own friends?" Sebastian asks, leaning against the doorframe.

"Go away," I hiss.

"Hey, I come in peace."

"Sure."

"Come on, let's just have some brother-sister bonding time."

"You're not my brother."

"Yes, I am."

"Don't talk about blood and bones and that kind of crap."

"I wasn't planning on it."

"What do you want then? You need me in your plan now? What should I do? Summon a demon?"

"Eager, aren't your?"

"I'm not-"

"Like I said earlier, I come in peace."

"You don't know the word."

"A state of not being in a war; a harmonious relation."

"Harmonious? You kidding?"

"No. You cannot deny that we share the same blood. Jocelyn's and Valentine's."

"No, you have demon blood."

"Demon blood," he says, sounding amused. "Yes, but can't you see? You're no saint. You are no different than me. After all, you let me in this house, didn't you?"

I shift uncomfortably, and Sebastian notices.

"I won't let you get hurt, don't worry."

"You already hurt me yourself."

"That's different. I don't want others hurting you because I love you. But we belong together. And you'll love me back soon enough. I'll make you learn how to love."

"You don't love me. You only want. You only want to be loved."

"That's a lie. I do love."

A silence passes between us.

I wonder if he really thinks that he loves me. He doesn't know how to love. Correction. He can't love. His demon blood forbid him from that.

"Dance with me," he suddenly says.

"What?"

"Dance with me."

"No."

"Come on."

"I don't dance," I mumble. "Especially not with a demon."

"I'm your brother."

"There's no music."

"So you'll dance with me if there's music?"

"No," I say firmly.

He gently puts his hand on my waist and pulls me closer.

"I can teach you how to dance," he whispers gently.

I really don't get this boy. One second, he's trying to break my bones, and then, he's suddenly turning into a gentle brother.

I feel his heart beating against my chest. A heart that pumps demon blood all around his body.

"I said no," I say with my miraculously calm voice, and pull away, walking out of my room.

 **Well, hope you enjoyed this chapter, and thanks for reviewing!**


	8. It Was Over My Head

**It Was Over My Head**

 _I'm really sorry, Clary. I just have to go. I'll probably back in a week. Love you._

 _-mom_

"She gone again?" Sebastian asks and I nod.

He tries to remain his face neutral, but I can see anger and annoyance in his face.

Why? Why is he mad at her for leaving? Shouldn't I be?

"Well, so we get the place for ourselves," he says, coming closer to me.

"Of course we do, _Lucas_ _Ashtail_. Tell me, how did you really come up with the name? Did you just make it up? Or is it someone's name that you know?"

"It's the boy's name," he replies nonchalantly.

"What boy?"

"That boy I was talking to when you stalked me."

"Oh."

Why is he telling me so many things now?

"And what is your plan, exactly?" I ask carefully.

"Don't see any reasons I should tell you why. So tell me, now. Did your friends call you back?"

"No," I answer quietly.

It's been almost two months since they started shutting down contact with me. And I still don't have the reasons why.

"And you're upset about that?"

"What do you think?" I say, glaring at him.

"Well, you were the one to start pushing them away."

"Not Simon. And they were always still there for me when I needed them."

"See? There you go. Your selfishness. You stop seeing them because they remind you of him, but when you need them, you ask for them."

I look down in shame.

"No need to be so ashamed, sister. It's just a thing about humans. And that's why I like you. Your selfishness."

"And why are you giving me so brotherly advice?" I ask, skeptically.

"Because I am, in fact, your brother."

"A demon brother."

"Don't see the difference," he says, smirking.

"Wait, so you think they're just shutting me out because of that?"

"Are you asking me for a brotherly advice?"

"You know what? Just forget about it," I say after staring at him for a long time.

"I don't think they're shutting you out for that reason," he still tells me.

"Then?"

"Figure out yourself."

I grunt, walking away from him. Of course, what was I expecting from _Sebastian_.

* * *

"So what are we having for dinner?"

"Pasta," I reply curtly.

"Pasta? Again?"

"You have problem with that?" I ask.

"No," he says, sighing.

I mean, so what if we're having pasta everyday? I love pasta, and I can only have it everyday when mom's gone. She doesn't approve me obsessing over one food. Well, at least I won't get dumped by a food. Pasta will always be there for me.

"You need help?"

"No."

" _Can_ I help?"

"Whatever," I say, rolling my eyes. "You can cut the tomatoes."

Okay, maybe that wasn't a good idea. Because the next thing he does is to pull out a knife from a drawer. Damn it! Why do I have to be so stupid? I gulp, waatching his next move carefully.

"Where are the tomatoes?"

I point my finger at them, trying my best to not show my shaking hands.

"No need to be so nervous, sister," he whispers in my ear, swinging the knife effortlessly.

Yeah, so much for that.

"I'm not nervous."

"Oh, so you won't mind if I cut the other vegetables too, right?"

"Sure." Not!

He laughs, starting to cut the tomatoes.

"Have you ever used a kitchen knife before?" I ask him, skeptically.

"What? Of course, I have."

"Oh, really? Then why do the tomatoes looks like that?"

He sighs, studying his tomatoes.

"Alright. But how do you expect me to know how to work in the kitchen? I was born to be a warrior, not a cook."

"Okay, just go back to your room and do whatever that has to do with your plan."

"Whatever you say, sis."

But my eyes are not on his face anymore. They're on his hand and on the knife which is moving toward me. Toward me! He's going to kill me. And I scream involuntarily, falling down on my ass.

"What the hell?" Sebastian asks, looking down at me. "What is your problem?"

"I thought... I thought you were trying to kill me..."

"Your lack of trust in me genuinely hurts. I'm sorry for you being close to the sink that I was trying to put the knife in."

I sigh, getting up and ignoring his offered hand.

"I stayed here for more than a month, and look at you. Not a scar."

"Don't forget about the time you almost broke my hipbone when you pushed me against the nightstand," I tell him, and he just shrugs.

* * *

"Hey, are you free this Friday?" Trey asks, leaning against my locker.

"Yeah, why?"

"Well, you know Derek Lakes? He's having a party, and I wanted to take you."

"Sure," I reply, kissing him briefly.

Derek Lakes is like a copy of Trey. They kind of look alike, except Derek has gold flecks in his eyes, which Trey doesn't. But they still have same green eyes, same light brown hair, and same physical features.

"What do you have next?" He asks.

"Ugh. English."

"I have P.E. See you at lunch?"

"Yeah, try not to get your nose bleeding!"

"Don't worry! Try not to fall asleep!"

"Can't promise you that," I reply, walking to the next classroom.

I sit down next to a girl who'so talking to another girl behind her.

"I'm telling you, Christina, I really don't care."

"Well, that's because you haven't seen him," the girl behind us, called Christina replies.

"I really don't want to know."

"Just listen. He was so hot. And the boy next to him-I think his name is Lucas-was kind of cute too."

"Christina-"

"Come on, Tris. Listen, so I went over, and I introduced myself-"

"What the hell? I thought you liked Will!"

"Well, a girl can have some fun. Anyways, I introduced myself, and the silver haired dude seemed totally interested in me."

"What did you tell him? He could be a stalker, Christina-"

"A hot, hot stalker. And to answer your question, I just told him my name, school, and number."

Okay, silver haired with a boy called Lucas. Lucas Ashtail. And suddenly interested when he heard what school she goes to?

"He asked me about Winter Solstice party in school, and I totally think he's gonna ask me out."

"Wait, you told a stranger that we are having a Winter Solstice party in school?"

"Duh. I think he likes me."

"Still, it's strange. We have months until Winter Solstice."

Wait, why would Sebastian want to know about us having a Winter Solstice party?

"Who cares? Oh, and also, I invited him to Derek's party. Told him that like half the people in our school's coming. He said he'll see me there."

Okay, something's definitely up.

* * *

"What happens on Winter Solstice?"

"What?"

"What happens on Winter Solstice?!"

Sebastian just stares at me, confused. Not that I'm gonna be fooled.

"Well, some people throw parties, and it's when the daytime is the shortest, and-"

"No, what are you planning to do?"

"Nothing. Probably just sitting around."

"You know what? Fine! Don't tell me. I'll figure it out myself," I hiss, storming back to my room.

"Hey, are you mad?" He asks, following me.

"No! Just go away!"

I sit on my bed, thinking of ways to make him talk.

"We can have pasta again for dinner today," he says as if that will make me feel better.

"Why won't you just tell me? It's not like I can do anything about it, right?"

He just shrugs, not answering my question.

"Can we just change the subject, Clarissa?"

"Now, look who's one who's being selfish. Just leave me alone."

"Clarissa-"

"No, I have a party to get ready for."

"Derek's party?"

Of course he knows.

"How did you know?" I still ask despite knowing the answer.

"I just do."

"Mm hm. I'm sure Christina had a good time with you."

* * *

"Come on, Clary. Relax," Trey says, his gentle hands on my waist.

"Sorry."

This place is crowded, like _crowded_. Derek's place is really large, but still, he invited like so many people.

"Are you looking for someone?"

"No," I reply, although the I am looking for Sebastian.

I know that he's somewhere here, dancing or making out or doing god knows what with Christina.

And then I see him. His eyes fixed on me, he's letting Christina grind into him with his hands on her hip. His lips pulls into a smile when he notices that I saw him, and he start sucking on the skin of her shoulder with his eyes still on me. Feeling disgusted, I look away, trying to concentrate on Trey.

"You okay?" He asks worriedly. "You look distracted."

"I'm fine. I'm just tired."

"Can I get you something to drink?"

"I can get my own," I reply, pulling away from him.

"You're going to get lost in this kind of crowd. Let me come with you."

So I do.

We walk away from Sebastian, looking for something to drink.

"Hey, look who's here. Trey," Derek says, walking toward us. "And you are... Clary, right?"

"Yup."

"Well, looking good, as always."

Trey's grip on my waist tightens and Derek notices.

"Dude, I'm just messing with you. Besides, I can find plenty of girls to screw in here."

"Of course."

"You guys want some beer?"

"No thanks," I answer, remembering the last time I drank.

I ended up with my virginity gone. This time, I don't want to wake up with a baby.

"Too bad. Just tell me whenever you get bored with Trey."

"Alright, that's enough. I'm gonna get you your punch. You, keep your eyes on her," he says, addressing Derek.

"Oh, don't worry. My eyes will always always be on Clary's killer legs."

Trey rolls his eyes, walking away from us.

"He's really into you, you know," Derek says when we can't see him anymore.

"What?"

"Trey. The poor guy is helpless. All he talks about is you, and he doesn't even realize that. Clary this, Clary that. Sometimes, I think maybe he's finally in love."

I swollow, feeling slightly guilty. But I shouldn't be, right? I like him, and I shouldn't be guilty that he likes me too. Right? I know I like him. I know I do. I really do.

"What about you?" Derek asks.

"What do you mean?"

"How do you feel about him?"

"He's a really nice guy."

"Yeah, but I didn't ask what you think of him. How do you _feel_?"

"I like him."

"I know you do. But do you... I don't know, does your heart beat loudly whenever you're near him? Do you think about his lips everytime? Do you have wet dreams about him?"

I just stand there, speechless. What is he saying?

"I knew that. Anyone decent can see it. You dance with him and kiss him, but long time ago, you friend zoned him."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"Trust me, I think you do understand."

"Are you being the typical guy who wants his friend's girlfriend to keep away?"

"No, I just... As weird as this sound, I don't want people getting hurt. This isn't going to end well. The more you lead on, the more damage you guys are both going to recieve."

"Derek, it's nice to know that you're concerned of us, but please. Give us some time. I'm going through something hard, and maybe that's why. If this passes, I think I might be able to actually see him that way. People change. They grow. So just give me some time to like him."

He looks into my eyes, trying to figure things out.

"Alright. I'll give you some time, but please try to hurry."

"So since when are you a love expert?"

"I'm not. I'm just good at reading people. It's like tarot cards."

"Tarot cards aren't real," I say matter of factly.

"Of course they aren't. Just like fairytales," he says, brushing the back of my right hand where my voyance rune is placed.

Shock running through my head, I try to figure things out. Is it possible that Derek knows?

But before I can ask him, Trey comes back with a glass of punch.

What just happened?

 **So yeah, if you read Shadow Falls... Yes, Derek is that Derek, and Trey is that Trey, and Lucas is, well... I had to change his last name since he's supposed to be a shadowhunter. And Tris and Christina, well, I think that's pretty obvious. Anyways, hope you enjoyed and thanks for reviewing**!


	9. I Know Nothing At All

**I Know Nothing At All**

"Okay, are you sure you're fine? You look really, really distracted."

"I'm fine, Trey. You want to dance?" I ask, thinking of what Derek said.

"Sure."

We go on the dance floor, me, hooking my arms around his neck. I pull his head down, kissing him gently. My lips move against his passionately, enjoying the heat. He cups my cheek, pulling me closer, his tongue seeking for an entrance. I gladly part my lips, doing my best to push the thought of Jace away. His hands play with the hem of my shirt, constantly brushing against my bare skin.

"Well, this is awkward," we hear a voice and both pull away.

Sebastian stands there, his arms across his chest with Christina beside him. He's wearing a smirk.

"Samuel, is it?" Trey asks.

"Sebastian. Can I steal my sister for this dance?"

"No," I reply curtly.

"Oh come on, Clarissa. Just this once."

"Hey, if she doesn't want to, she doesn't have to," Trey interrupts, glaring at Sebastian.

"He's right, Sebby. Come on, let's go dance by ourselves," Christina pouts at him.

"But I think we should have a family quality time. There's no reason you shouldn't. What harm can it do? I'll stop bugging you after this."

"I said no. I'm dancing with Trey."

"Yeah, but what were you thinking of while you were? I can make that thought go away if you dance with me."

I can see Trey's confused face now.

"I wasn't thinking of anything. Come on, Trey. Let's go somewhere else," I say, pulling him away from Sebastian.

"Just remember, boy! Putting a heart in a meat grinder and turning it on is easy, but it's very hard to put the pieces back together."

"A meat grinder? What? What is he talking about?"

"Don't listen to him, Trey, he always talks nonsense," I say, walking away from Sebastian as far as possible.

Why can't people just let me be happy?

* * *

"Hey, Derek, can I talk to you?"

The thought of him touching my rune kept bugging me for the entire weekend.

"'bout what?"

"Stuffs, unexplained. Like fairytales?"

"I can't, really. I need to head to my class."

"Maybe I can sit with you at lunch?"

"I'm sorry. Basketball practice."

"When you're eating?"

"Yup."

I give him a skeptical look. He apparently doesn't want to talk about it.

"After school, maybe?"

"I need to pick up my sister."

"Derek."

"Clary," he imitates me while walking away. "I need to go. See ya later!"

Damn it, why is he trying so hard to avoide a civil conversation with me?

"What were you and Lakes talking about?" Trey asks, walking toward me.

"Oh, I was just asking him about History homework," I tell him nonchalantly.

"Alright. You have biology now, right?"

"Yeah, I should get going."

"See you at lunch?"

"Yup."

* * *

 _I really need to talk to you._

I send the note to Derek, who's sitting behind me.

I can hear him write something back, and he hands me the paper.

 _As much as I understand how much interesting I am as a company, I am a very busy guy._

 _Can I please talk to you after school?_

 _I thought we already talked about that._

"Mr. Lakes and Miss Morgenstern!" The teacher, who obviously noticed our notes yells.

"Yes, sir?"

"Would you care to read your conversation out loud?"

"Um..." I say uncertainly.

"Alright, let me make this easy for both of you. Detention, lunchtime in library."

I open my mouth to complain, but I stop. Detention for both of us... I love you, karma. But Derek, noticing my smile frowns.

"I'm sorry, but I have a basketball practice during lunch, sir."

"Oh, I don't think you do, Mr. Lakes. And even if you do, I really don't care."

Yes, yes, yes. Never have I ever loved a teacher this much.

I smile at Derek and he groans, leaning back on his chair.

"Fine, girl. Lunch hour it is."

* * *

"So I wanted to as you some stuff."

"I could clearly see that."

"Have you ever-"

"But," he interrupts. "I would appreciate it if we do this after school. Somewhere more private."

"Are you sure you're not going to ditch me?"

"You have my words. And after all, this is a _detention_ , not a tea party."

"The place and the time?"

"My apartment at seven tonight. I'll pick you up."

I nod, smile creeping on my lips. Finally, I will get some answers.

* * *

"So what were you so curious about?"

"How much do you know?"

He arches his eyebrows, waiting for me to elaborate further.

"What's your dominant hand?" I ask instead.

He gives me his right hand, leaving me to study it. No runes.

Both disappointment and relief floods inside me.

"Looking for a certain tattoo?" He asks, grabbing my attention back.

"What... Are you?"

"How about we play this game. It's called _Clary and Derek asks each other some questions._ "

"You made that up," I accuse the obvious.

"You playing or not?"

"Fine. How do you play it?"

"Simple. We take turns asking questions. But one question at a time. And since I suggested this game, I'll go first."

I give him the whatever look, and he thinks of a question.

"How far have you gone with Trey?" He asks, smirking.

I glare at him, refusing to answer the question.

"Change the question."

"Okay, did you loose the V card to him or not?"

Blushing, I nod reluctantly.

"My turn. Do you know what I am?"

"A girl."

"You know what I mean. Answer the question!"

"One question at a time means one answer at a time. My turn. Have you ever had a wet dream?"

"No," I say sternly.

"Oh, really?"

"My turn, remember?"

"Yes, I remember. So my turn now. Do you think Trey's hotter than me?"

This is so unfair. I didn't get one proper answer, and he asked me three!

"Yes."

"Don't lie."

"I'm not lying. My turn. Do you believe in angels?"

"Interesting question," he says, leaning back on his couch and spreading his arms out, his hand almost touching my shoulder.

"Answer it."

"Yes, I do."

"Like what angels in particular?"

"My turn, now. What angels do _you_ believe in?"

"I don't know. Raziel, maybe?" I reply, hinting him. "Do you believe in Nephilim?"

"Nephilim? Sure, why not?"

I study him carefully, trying to figure out what he is. I don't think he's a human, and he isn't a shadowhunter. So maybe fairies, but no. And he isn't pale enough to be a vampire. So a werewolf, maybe?

"What do you think I am?" He asks, amusement glistening in his eyes.

What should I say back?

"You want me to ask you something else?" He asks again, and I nod. "Can you do something for me?"

"Yes."

"Feel my heartbeat," he whispers.

I do as he says, flattening my palm against his muscled chest. Nothing. _Nothing_. I frantically search for his heart again, but I don't feel anything. His heart is not beating.

I sit there, speechless. Can he be a vampire?

"As much as I know you want to run your hands over my chest, I would like it if you're not the only one touching."

I quickly detach my hand, glaring at him.

"Are you... A vampire?" I ask, not caring about the stupid game anymore.

"Oh, please. Do I look like a bloodthirsty freak to you?"

"Yeah, you kind of do, but then, what are you?"

"So you know about Nephilim, and you know about the Cup."

"Yes."

"Have you read the bible?"

I shake my head, since I am not really not religious type.

"Genesis 6:4, the Nephilim were in the earth in those days, and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bore children to them; the same were the mighty men that were of old, the men of renown."

"And you're saying?"

"The cup isn't everything. When the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men-can't you see? They had other ways too."

"I don't see what that has to do with you."

"So if you ever wonder, where are those sons of God now?"

This is crazy. This is crazy for sure.

"Right in front of me," I whisper. "So you mean you're an angel?"

"Not technically. I'm a fallen. Fallen angel."

"You gotta be kidding me."

"I know, I know. A hot sexy angel is sitting next to you in a couch which is in his apartment where he's alone."

"Don't get any thoughts."

"That's hard to do when you're here."

I glare at him as hard as I can.

"I'm just kidding!" He says.

"So, you're a fallen angel. What did you do to get your wings ripped or something?"

"Are we still playing this game or not?"

"We're not."

"Well, I fell in love with a human girl."

"Shit."

"Yeah, shit."

"What happened to her?"

"She died," he says, avoiding an eye contact, being serious for the first time.

"I'm sorry," I say, genuinely meaning it,

"It's not your fault."

"But why can't you fall in love with a human?"

"We are angels, Clary. If we play favorites, the world won't be fair."

"Oh. But that's still harsh. You couldn't help it."

"Whatever. Any more questions?"

"Yes. Do you know what my mom is doing? She's keep disappearing, and she won't tell me anything."

"I met her once, during her trip."

"You did?" I ask, surprised.

"Yes, but I can't tell you anything. Your mom made me promise."

"Then just tell me if she'll be safe."

"It's a dangerous trip, but have a little faith in your mom. She was a shadowhunter. She'll be fine."

"But she doesn't have to do this! She doesn't have to protect the world anymore."

"Clary, parents do what they think is the best for their children and themselves. I promise she'll be alright. I swear this on Angel."

I silently nod, trusting him.

"Come on, I should get you home."

"But I still have a lot to ask you-"

"We can do this next time."

And just then, my phone rings,

"Hello?" I answer.

"Hey, Clary. I went to your house but you weren't there. Where are you?"

"I'm at Derek's."

"Derek's? What are you doing there?"

"Oh, we were just talking."

"Derek don't _just talk_."

"Trey, there's nothing to worry about. So what did you come to my house for?"

"You texted me, remember?"

"What?"

"You told me you had something to talk about and that you wanted me there."

"I did? It wasn't me. Maybe someone did it for fun."

"Maybe... Well, if you're all fine, then I'll leave you by yourself so you can do whatever you were doing with Derek."

"Trey-"

"What?"

"Nothing," I say, sighing.

 **SNEAK PEEK**

Please make it fast, I think, closing my eyes. I clutch my arms around my trembling body, waiting for the pain to come. I've thought of death many many times, and I wish it will come as quickly as I hoped.

 **Well, I hope you liked the sneak peek! So I know Clary and Sebastian is still quite distant, but the next chapter will make them even more distant. I mean, I really like them together, but it' small for the later chapters. Oh well, just wait a bit... Thanks for reviewing! Hope you enjoyed...**


	10. And I Will

**And I Will**

"Hey, Derek. Can I talk to you again after school?" I ask, getting my books from the locker.

"Sure. What do you want to know this time?"

"I have this... Um, family trouble."

"Your brother?" He asks, raising his eyebrows.

I nod silently.

"Alright. I'll pick you up at seven again. That good?"

"Yup. See you then?" I ask, walking to my last class.

With my arms wrapped around the books, I walk down the crowded hallway. Until I hear it. The chittering sound. And the smell. Like rotting garbage. Chittering sound and smell...

 _"As you know, demons look very, very ugly. Your eyes might want to retire so bad, it's dangerous. Yes, very dangerous," the blonde boy elaborated._

 _I squinted my eyes, wondering where this is leading to._

 _"So, the best medication is to look at beautiful things. For instance, my beautiful body will help instantly. My fabulous golden eyes, my silky hair-"_

 _"Jace. Seriously," I replied, holding back my laughter._

 _"What? And they also stink. Especially Drevaks. Whenever you see the creature, come see me. I don't want to see my girlfriend suffering from unattractiveness."_

 _"Just tell me what they do," I exhaled._

 _"Alright. So Drevaks usually make chittering sound, and they are, well, incredibly fast. Of course, not faster than me, but-"_

 _"Jace, enough," I said, trying my best to keep out the humor in my voice._

 _"Kay, so they can sting you with their spine in the back of their mouth-I know, eww-and trust me, it hurts a lot. But then again, if you look at my gorgeous-"_

 _"Okay, enough. I'm going to Izzy."_

I flinch at the sudden memory, but then realize that I don't have time to.

A Drevak. In the school. Damn it. I faintly remember that they usually move in packs, so I listen to the sound. It sounds like just one, or if more, two or three.

I look around and find out that others are oblivious to the sound. Just me. It's after me, I assume.

I try to calm myself down, which is not working well.

First, figure out where it is. It's coming from the direction I'm facing. Or is it? Maybe it's the opposite. Oh god, please. Just listen! Don't panick. Just listen. I close my eyes, concentrating on the sound. It's from the side I'm facing. I'm sure.

Now remember their characteristics. They are blind. They rely on the smell. And fast, although Jace told me about him being faster. Oh no, don't think about him. How do you survive? Posionous needles. Painful but easy to fix.

Now run, yes, run, Clary. Run as fast as you can. But why are my feet not moving? Move! Run away!

"Clary!" I hear a scream.

Can that be Jace? No, no, that's Derek. What is he doing here? Of course, he goes to this school. This school where there's a Drevak... Drevak... Oh god, there's a demon in our school!

I let out a scream without realizing, turning instantly and running as fast as I can.

 _And they are, well, incredibly fast... Incredibly fast... Fast... Incredibly..._

Jace's words echoes in the back of my head. I shove through the crowd, them giving me a quizzical look that I just ignore.

"Ugh!" I scream as someone shoves me back.

I catch myself in the mid fall, but I think I sprained my ankle in the process. I bite back my scream, running again, but slowed down by my throbbing ankle.

I see a girl's change room a few feet away from me, and if I turn right, there's a staircase. I decide to take the stairs in a half a second debate, and run down the stairs. I look behind me as I do, and realize that the demon is only about two feet away from me. Seeing no other way, I grab the railing and lift myself up. And I jump just before the demon reaches me. I hear people screaming and its needles scratching the back of my jacket, and with adrenaline pumping through my veins, I do the flip Jace taught me. The flip that I've always failed. Damn it.

I land with a thud, feeling my every single bones trembling in agony. I roll a good few feet, wrapping myself into a ball. Not very successful, but decently. I wish I can just lie here, letting the demon get to me. It hurts so much. So much. It feels like every bones in my body are broken.

But letting out a grunt, I pull myself up again. The jump earned me a few seconds, but not more than that.

 _Jace_ , I think, _help_.

Maybe he heard me because I see the boy's change room in front of me. I mean, of course, it was there decades ago, but who cares?

I shove across the shouting crowd, a few hands reaching out to stop me. Just a few feet... Just a few feet...

I finally get to the door, slamming it behind me. Please be empty, please be empty. Thankfully, it is. I push as hard as I can against the door, trying to remember if Drevaks are strong. The hell with that! Who cares? I just want to live.

Everytime I thought of Jace, I always had this suicidal thoughts. I wanted to kill myself so bad. But now I get it. I don't want to die. And that's why I'm forcing my weight on the door. I don't want to die! Please!

Guess it's just a human instinct. Along with selfishness. One way of selfishness. Trying to leave a mark. One more second turns to one more minute. To one more hour and day. To a month and a year. Then to enternity. Greed and selfishness. The biggest flaws of human. The vunerable point. The sting.

Another force slam against the door. I gasp, trying to regain my hold. But it's too strong. I feel the door gap widening after every slam. The black spine... Yes, the spine Jace mentioned reaches out and there's... Oh, there's agony. Remember when I explained the fall? Well, this is unexplainable. The fall was nothing compared to this. The shooting pain from my forearm to my shoulder. The paralyzing pain.

Unfortunately for me, I retreat my arm in reflex. It falls to my side, paralyzed and heavy. The door opens, introducing the demon itself. I stumble back, away from its milky skin and venomous needles. But sadly, I fall, and now, I'm a heap of mess, panting loudly on the change room floor.

Please make it fast, I think, closing my eyes. I clutch my arms around my trembling body, waiting for the pain to come. I've thought of death many many times, and I wish it will come as quickly as I hoped.

I hear a swoosh, and I know. It's the sound of death. It's the sound of Drevak's spine penetrating my heart. Thankfully, I don't feel any pain. My body is too numb. My vision is blurred, tears steaming down my face.

"Are you okay?"

An angel, surely. I must be in heaven.

"Where's Jace?" I croak, pathetically.

"Clary-"

"Where is he?" I repeat, looking at the boy's face.

"Clary, stay awake."

"Why?"

"Because I want to make sure I can see your eyes."

So I do. Anything for an angel.

"Where does it hurt?"

"I don't... I don't feel anything... Everything's so numb."

"Your arm..."

"Derek?"

The boy looks at me.

"Is that... You?" I ask hoarsely, through the thick layer of tears.

"Yes, it's me, Clary."

I gasp in tears, speechless.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, shrugging my jacket off. "But I need your help. Tell me where your injuries are."

Then, I cry out loud. Not just shedding tears, but crying out loud. Just like when he left me. I don't know where these tears are coming from. From relief or disappointment, I don't know, and I don't care. I just cry.

"Clary... Please, I need your help. Where are your injuries?"

"My arm..." I reply, still sobbing.

He takes my arm and examines it.

"This is going to hurt a bit."

"Go on," I whisper through my tears.

I turn my face away, trying to ignore the pain as he takes the needle out.

He wraps my jacket directly over my wound, too tightly if you ask me. He then, takes his shirt off and goes to the drinking fountain and soaks the material completely.

"You still here with me?"

I nod, afraid what my voice would sound like.

He unwraps the jacket and wraps his shirt around my arm instead. The coldness seep into my numb skin, while I am still lying down, speechless. He scrunches up my jacket and puts my arm over it.

"How are you feeling?"

I don't answer, still trying to gather up my thoughts.

"Do you trust me?"

I nod.

"I'm not supposed to do this, but..."

He then, envelopes my elevated forearm with both hands. His hands suddenly feel warm. Unnaturally warm.

"What just happened?"

"I was a freaking angel before, Clary. Try not to underestimate me."

"Did you kill it?" I ask carefully.

"Of course I did. I'm not stupid."

"It still hurts," I complain.

"Where?"

"I don't know."

"Maybe it's because you're shocked."

"Maybe..."

"The cops will be here soon."

"The cops?" I ask, knitting my eyebrows.

"Someone called them."

"Oh. They think I'm crazy, right?"

"Well, they're not allowing students in this room, so..."

"How did you get in though?"

"A little bit of glamour. Hey, it'll be alright, okay?"

We stay like that in silence.

"Holy shit," I say when I finally realize what I've just been through.

"Yeah, about that. Why is shit holy?"

"If you just attempted to be funny, that didn't work."

"Almost, my friend. Almost."

"Can I... Can I see your scar?"

"My scar?"

"The wing..."

"You were attacked by a demon, and now you want me to show you my wing scar?" He asks, laughing.

But he does turn around so I can see his back. There's a V-shaped scar, sharp and clean.

"Does it hurt?" I ask, tracing the mark lightly with my fingers.

"Only when I'm near a demon."

"Convenient..." I murmers.

He just shrugs, and then we hear the sirens. There is some talking outside, and a few cops and Trey come in.

"Clary, are you-" Trey stops immediately when he sees Derek. A shirtless Derek.

"Trey," I breathe, enjoying the familiarity.

"What is _he_ doing here?" One of the cops asks, acknowledging Derek.

I tense up, trying to retrieve my arm from my jacket.

"Don't worry. They can't see the injury," Derek whispers.

"Miss Morgenstern, you'll need to come with me."

* * *

"Thank you for your cooperation. You may leave now."

I slowly walk outside with shaking legs. I know that Derek healed my injury, but for some reason, my whole body continues to ache. Probably because of the fall.

Nothing much happened in the station. Just a few inquiries, and that was it. Except... They planned me a meeting with the school psychologist once a week, starting tomorrow. My lovely Wednesday ruined from now on.

"Clary," Trey acknowledges me outside.

"Trey, whatever you think happened in the change room isn't true."

"Then what explanation do you have? You were lying down on the floor and Derek was shirtless. I don't know what got to you when you jumped from the staircase, but I'm not hearing poor excuses."

"You just... Don't understand!"

"Understand what? How irresistible he is? I didn't take you as a girl like that, Clary."

"It's not what you think... Please, Trey. Believe me. We're just friends, if you can even call us that."

"Then what the hell happened in the change room?"

"I can't tell you," I whisper, my voice hoarse.

"Why not? Tell me, or I'll assume the worst."

"Please... I have a lot going in my life-"

"And so do I! But you didn't see me with a shirtless girl in the change room!"

"I'm not allowed to tell you. But please, look into my eyes and see if I'm lying," I plead.

He does, and I don't let my eyes waver. He turns his face away painfully.

"I don't know what to think right now."

"Trey-"

"Go home, Clary."

"Do you believe me?"

An uncomfortable silence passes between us.

"Go home," he whispers, and that's the last thing he says to me before walking away from me.

* * *

"You're late," Sebastian points out the obvious as soon as I enter the house.

"Something happened."

"What?"

"A Drevak."

"I know," he says, slouching against the kitchen table.

"What do you mean, you know?" I inquire, frowning.

"I sent it," he says, casually like he's telling me he ate an apple or something.

"What did you say?" I hiss, my voice dangerously quiet.

"I sent the demons."

"You what? How could you do this to me? I almost died! You promised! You promised!" I scream, stomping toward him.

"It was only supposed to scare you!"

"Then how do you explain my injuries?"

"I swear, I told it not to harm you. It was only supposed to scare you."

"Well, it didn't listen!"

"I didn't think-"

"Well you should have thought! You say you love me then you send a demon after me!"

"I told it to scare you! I wanted to prove you that you are mine! That's what you do to someone you love, isn't it? Make sure they know it."

"When you love someone," I gasp, a sob escaping my mouth with me knowing why. "When you love someone, you protect them. You don't hurt them."

"That's wrong. If I love you, then I can touch you whenever I want to. Because we belong together."

"You don't know anything about love."

"Clary," he whispers gently, approaching me.

"Don't come any closer. Or... Or I'll throw this," I threaten him, picking up a flower vase.

"You're not going to throw that."

But the next thing we see is a vase flying toward his shoulder. Roses stumble across his feet, and the water soaks his shirt. Glass shatters against his shoulder, rebounding once again when the pieces hit the ground.

I sigh in satisfactory when I see his blood oozing out. But the next thing that happens is unpredicted. I collapse on the ground, my back throbbing like hell. And then there's darkness. Just darkness.

 **Sorry for the cliffie, but at least I gave you a longer chapter than usual! Right? Right? Sebastian is a real psycopath... A psychopath I absolutely adore! Yeah... My friends think I'm crazy... So anyway, hope you enjoyed this chapter, and thanks for reviewing!**


	11. Stumble and Fall

**Stumble and Fall**

I slowly lift my heavy eyelids, adjusting to the bright light.

I'm in my bed, and there's a constant throbbing in my back.

"You up?" A voice asks.

Sebastian. I immediately flinch away from the voice, my back aching like hell in the process.

"Don't come near me," I say.

"Clary, you were hurt," he says, despite what I said.

"Because of you," I hiss.

"Your back was stung."

So he decided to ignore my comments? Wait a minute, my back?

I try to replay the moment when the Drevak attacked me. The swoosh. It really did get to my back, didn't it. And it almost got to my heart before Derek appeared.

"Why didn't you take care of it?" He asks.

He was always so good at making poker face. I try to read his emotion, but I can't. Maybe he just doesn't have one.

"I didn't know."

"But you talked about injuries when you got home," he says, talking more urgently now. "Did you have any other injuries?"

"No," I say sternly.

There is no way I'm letting Sebastian know that there's a fallen angel in my school. But I can't help my eyes flickering to my arm briefly.

"Ah," he says, picking my arm up and examining it. "A fallen angel, I see."

I snatch my arm back fiercely. I can't believe I let him get to my injury when I blacked out.

"It still hurts," I complain.

"I'm afraid I don't have the same healing power as an ex-angel. But I can take a look at it again if you-"

"No."

"Clarissa-"

"Get the fuck away from me."

"Sister, please-"

"Get the fuck out of my room."

He bites his lip bitterly, thinking. Of what, I don't know. What emotions are under that cold, hard mask?

"I was proving how much I love you."

"Well, you proved wrong."

"No, you're wrong. I'll teach you how to love me."

"I don't love you. I don't want to love you, and I will never love you, period."

Sebastian looks striken back for the first time.

"You lie."

"No, I don't."

He visually swollows, and he walks out of the room.

I keep still, shocked and scared. And I have to admit. Sebastian is scaring me. He's too... Unpredictable. And I don't enjoy surprises.

* * *

"Hey, Trey, can I please talk to you? I understand that you're mad and confused, but I think this is something we need to solve face to face. Please call me. And... And don't do something irrational. You're not thinking clearly-"

Beep. The voicemail ends and I put my phone down. Why is everyone shutting me out?

I lean back on the kitchen counter, closing my eyes.

"This is why they say family's everything," says Sebastian.

"And you're not my family."

I try walking away from him, but he puts his hand on my shoulder, spinning me around. I squeal in pain, caused from my injury, and Sebastian smiles.

"I can make you laugh, and I can make you cry. Isn't that the power of love?"

"That, my brother, is the power of hatred."

"No, you're wrong."

We stay like that for a moment. Me, glaring at him, and him smirking down at me.

"You're so beautiful," he says, brushing my hair back from my face. "Just like we all are. Morning star. The brightest star-"

"And as sinful as it burns. Lucifer-"

"Lucifer, was the most beautiful angel. Facilis descensus averni, dear sister."

I remember that. From the Silent City.

"And you too, will be like me. You already are. You felt the connection back when you first met me."

He then, leans into me, his lips lightly brushing over my ear.

"And then you kissed me back. In Alicante."

I search my mind for a clever answer. But I can't. That's his ability. Leaving me speechless. Because as much as he is wrong, he makes it sound like the good. Manipulative. Like the poison of a snake. Dangerous, but beautiful.

He grabs my hip, pulling me closer to him. I gasp, trying to push him away.

"Shh, I won't hurt you. I'll show you how much I love you."

Grinning, he slowly pushes me against the counter, kissing up and down my neck. My wrists are both pinned down on the smooth surface, but pinned or freed, I know I'll never be able to fight him.

As he presses his lips against mine, I bite his lower lip as hard as I can. I taste blood all over, but he doesn't let go of me. He frees my left wrist in order to lift the hem of my shirt, and that's when I start thinking.

Come on, Clary. What would Jace do? How would he use his freed hand? Take in the surrounding. A kitchen. There's a sink, but I can't kill him with water. Plates, yes, plates. Breakable plates. But I can't throw them when he's this close to me.

Ugh, it's hard to concentrate when his disgusting lips are on mine. Plates... What can I do with them... Jace, help me. I remember him and me fighting when we were in Alicante. Me, throwing the plates. I remember them, smashing against the wall and rebounding. Smashing against the wall... Yes...

I ineptly reach behind me and find a plate. I hope it isn't one of my mom's favorites. Then, I throw it upward. Toward the ceiling. I hear a smash, and Sebastian reflexively lets go of me. He wraps his arms around his head, protecting it as the broken pieces showers down. Using this as a distraction, I run upstairs into a bathroom and lock myself in there. Panting, I examine the cuts on my face. Not bad. Not bad.

* * *

The dinner is silent. None of us dare to say a thing. I can see that he used iratze, because I don't see any cuts on his face.

"So where did you learn a stunt like that?" Sebastian finally asks.

"None of your buisness."

"Alright," he says, raising his hands in defeat. "But you have to admit, you did kiss me back in Alicante."

"I didn't know you back then."

"So you're admitting that you did it because I am hot. You're basically saying I'm hot."

I kick his shin underneath the table, and he grunts.

"Yes, finally."

"What?" I ask, raising my eyebrows.

"We're having a normal sibling conversation."

I let my mouth hang open, gaping at him.

"You were trying to rape me just a few hours ago. You call that normal?"

"Normal for us, the morning star-"

"Please don't talk about your blood running in my veins kind of crap. I am tired of you and your pretty little sick games."

"I am not playing any games."

"You almost break my hipbone, then you ask me to dance with you. A few days later, you give me some brotherly advice, then you try to break up my relationship. Then, you almost have me killed, then you help me, but not long before you try to rape me! What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"This is me, loving you!"

"You don't know anything about love. How many times do I have to tell you that you only want! You don't love me. We never will love each other."

"Clarissa, listen-" his voice is dangerously low.

"No, you listen. Ever since I was born... Everyday, I wished I'd have a brother. A brother with green eyes. A brother who loves me and protects me. And as much as I hate to admit, you sometimes give me that hope. But somehow, you always manage to break them. And I give up now. You are not my brother."

I stand up and head to my bedroom, wiping my tears off. What? Why am I crying? Oh god, Jace. What is wrong with me? I hate him... I hate him so much I want to give him a slow, painful death. I will make him regret ever being born.

* * *

"Get up," Sebastian orders.

Confused, I slowly sit up, rubbing my sleepy eyes.

"What's wrong? Turn on the light."

"Nothing's wrong. I just wanted to take you out."

"Take me out? The hell with that! You might try to kill me in a dark alley-"

"You know I promised you not to hurt you."

"You didn't exactly keep the promise last time."

"Come on, Clary. Give me an hour."

"Fine, fine."

"Get dressed. I'll meet you downstairs."

When I'm absolutely sure he's gone, I rush to a corner of my room. Soundlessly, I lift the wooden panel and get a few seraph blades out. I know I've sworn not to use them, but I need them. There's no way I'm going out with Sebastian in the middle of the night, unarmed. I get dressed and hide my weapons carefully. Sebastian will freak out if he finds out about this.

* * *

"So where are we going?" I ask.

"You'll see."

It feels like I've been walking for hours although I know that it's not more than twenty minutes.

Although it's June, the night breeze is cool, caressing my hair.

"Here," he says, stopping in front of a big metal gate.

"It's just some kind of a church."

"Not just some kind of a church," he says, taking his stele out.

He draws an opening rune on the gate, and it opens with a creak. There's a small garden, and although I can't see them because of the dark, I can smell flowers. Roses, maybe?

"Where are we?" I whisper although there is no one but us.

"This is where the Circle held it's meetings," he explains. "It used to be an Institute, but it got a bit ruined after the Uprising."

I look at the building. It's beautiful, really, but there is quite a lot of damage done.

"Wow," I exhale. "I never thought I'd be here before."

"Well, our parent have been here, so I thought you deserve to. Come on, let me show you the inside."

When we got inside, he turned the lights on, and I could see the beauty of the building. It was rather a large library, dusty carpet and paintings all over. I walk along the wall, my footsteps echoing.

"Lucifer," I whisper, stopping at a certain painting. "Lucifer Morningstar."

"Yes, the brightest star, yet the damned."

A few paintings were scattered on the ground, probably because of the fight.

"They used to discuss upstairs. You want me to show you?"

I nod, and we both climb upstairs.

"Can't we use... An elevator or something?" I pant, halfway up.

"Yes, we can. But don't they usually use stairs in movies in a scene like this?"

"A scene like this?" I ask, knitting my eyebrows.

"A scene where you discover your parent's history," he says, shrugging.

Upstairs, there is a large room, which Sebastian and I step inside. He turns the light on, and I can see it much better. Some couches and tables. There's paper all over the floor like someone was trying to find an important document. A few vases have fallen on the ground. But most importantly, there is a huge hole on a wall, revealing the other room right next to it.

"This is where our father used to sit," Sebastian says, approaching to a small couch.

I can easily picture Valentine, sitting in that very seat, talking of Uprising.

"And our mother," I speak softly.

I touch the material gently, wondering where she is now. I feel a sudden nostalgia, and I turn to Sebastian to see if he does too. He's just standing there, his face as hard as ever, glaring down at the wooden floor. But I think I can see something in his eyes. Maybe an emotion?

"Let's go to the roof. You wanna use the elevator this time?"

I nod, following him. I regret bringing the weapons now. I don't think he's going to hurt me tonight. But if he finds out about my anxiety, he'll be mad.

The roof is the weirdest thing I've ever seen. It's like it was another floor before, but like the ceiling was ripped out. There are a few parts of walls that's still left. There are a couple of broken window frame, and white curtains are whirling in the wind, making ruffling sounds.

"Father used to take mother out here on a date often," Sebastian explains.

Not very romantic, if you ask me, but whatever floated Valentine's boat.

"What happened to the ceiling? Is it because of the Uprising?"

"No, it was like that from long time ago. No one knows why. Legends say Raziel wanted it off so he could visit here anytime."

He and I stand like that for a few minutes, thinking. I try to imagine my mom, leaning against Valentine, watching the stars.

"The falcon," I whisper.

"What?"

"You got the falcon too, didn't you?"

He nods swiftly.

"What happened?"

"It ran away."

"It just... Ran away from you?"

"That's what you would have done, isn't it?"

I remain silence because he and I both know the truth.

"Even an animal didn't love me. I remember feeding it, providing it a shelter, training it... But it left, just like that."

He looks at me, as if his words have double meaning. As if he's in fact, addressing it to me. But what can I tell him? That I love him? That I will never run away from him? How can I say that, when the truth is that I don't even pity him. I do not feel any positive emotion toward him. And I know it's not me. It's him.

"Come on, it's time for us to go," he says, turning away from me.

"Sebastian, why did you suddenly decide to bring me here?"

"Because... Because I wanted to show you that I can be loving too. You enjoyed this, didn't you?" He says, not bothering to face me.

I just stand there, motionless.

"I can be a loving brother like in your dream too, Clarissa."

"Of course," I slowly speak. "It's always about you, isn't it. It's all about you."

"I did this for you. For your happiness."

"No, you did it for yourself. And there's nothing more," I say clearly, walking into the elevator.

Of course. What was I expecting from _Sebastian_?

 **Oh, gosh. Why does Sebastian screw up everything in the end?(Because I wrote him that way, duh) Also, just so you know, the building was just something I made up, so please don't get confused. Well, hope you enjoyed, and thanks for reviewing!**


	12. Still Learning to Love

**Still Learning to Love**

"Good to see you, Miss Morgenstern. I am Ms. Inkster. How are you today?"

"Good," I reply, sliding down on a chair.

The school psychologist has short brown hair, and she looks younger than I expected. Not more than thirty, I bet.

And I am going to try my best to look normal.

"So, what class did you just have?" She asks.

"History," I tell her.

"Awesome, did you enjoy the class?"

"Yes," I lie.

I almost fell asleep.

"You can be honest with me. I know how everyone hates history. Including me," she says, winking.

I smile a bit. Maybe she isn't as bad as I thought.

"So what's your favorite subject?" She asks, her soft brown eyes on my green ones.

"Probably P.E. I mean, I love art, but I like to keep my drawings to myself, not in school."

God, did that sound like what someone with social anxiety disorder would say?

"Me too! I love art, but I don't really like showing my drawing to others."

Maybe not.

"So what do you like about P.E?"

"Well, I get to move around, and I like running and jumping."

Damn it, that probably makes me sound like someone with ADHD.

"Yeah, that's why I like it too. Although, I hit a few people in the nose with my elbow before. It wasn't nice."

"Hey, that happens to me too! My body is uncontrollable," I say, smiling.

Wait, what? Since when am I being so... Enthusiastic? But Ms. Inkster just laughs, her laughter like raindrop. I think I like it. Maybe I can actually grow to like this woman.

"But you still did the flips though," uh oh. Here it comes. "I thought it was so cool! Can you teach me sometimes?"

"Um... Sure," I say, shocked at her response.

"So tell me about your family."

I stop for a moment. What should I tell her?

"You don't have to if you don't want to," she quickly amends, noticing my hesitation.

"No, sure. It's not much, really."

"I'm listening," she says, propping her chin on her elbow.

"So, my mom's an artist-an amazing one," she used to be a shadowhunter and she used to be a rebellious one. "She has fiery red hair and green eyes like me. Everyone tells me I look like her, but I don't really see it. And... There's my brother. He's nice," except he tried to rape me. "He has pale blonde hair and black eyes," which are actually supposed to be green, but he was injected with demon blood. "And he's quite athletic."

"Your family sounds interesting."

"Not really, though. My father's dead," I killed him.

"Oh, Clary, I'm so sorry. You don't have to talk about this if you don't want to."

I would love to congratulate it!

"That's okay. We weren't really close," in fact, I didn't know he was my father until I was sixteen! I thought he was supposed to be dead, but he was actually summoning a demon somewhere! "He had the same looks as my brother, and yeah... That's pretty much it."

"Do you miss your father a lot?"

Now, what would a normal girl say...

"Yeah, but I can handle it... He made me stronger somehow."

"Well, that's good. I remember when my aunt died. It was a car accident."

"I'm sorry," I whisper quietly, my mind suddenly wandering to Jace.

"She made me stronger just like your father did, and I am very thankful for that. Grieving over your loved one is something, and moving on from him or her is another. But that doesn't mean you can't do both."

I nod silently.

"And I'm sure that your father is right here with you. In your heart. He's always there."

We talk for a bit more, and I have to say, I think I've grown a little comfortable with her. She makes me feel safe. It feels like she's filling up the absence called sibling. And I like that.

When I walk outside, I find something unexpected. _Someone_. Trey.

"Trey!" I exclaim. "What are you doing here?"

"Clary, I am... So sorry. I wasn't thinking clearly. I should have listened to you, not just walk away. I was just so mad and confused. And I was wondering... Are we still in for it?"

"Of course, Trey. Of course. I understand you, and I'm sorry for not being able to explain. You're not the one who should be apologizing."

"I should have known better... I know you're not that kind of girl, and I'm sorry I said things like-"

"Trey, stop," I say softly. "No more of this, okay? It's over."

He nods, wrapping his arms around me. We stay like that for a while, enjoying each other's warmth.

"I missed you," I say.

"It was only yesterday we kissed."

I laugh, pulling away from him.

"Come on. Let's go home."

* * *

"So hot..." I murmer, fanning myself with the novel I was reading.

"It's the middle of July, Clary. What do you expect?" Sebastian says, chuckling behind me.

Ignoring him, I go back to reading.

"What book are you reading anyways?"

"None of your buisness."

"I bet that's like the thousandth time you said that to me."

"I don't care," I say, slouching deeper into the couch.

He kneels down beside me, trying to read the content.

"-how you turned those five goons into kangaroos- wait what? What kind of book is this?"

Snapping the book shut, I stand up, walking away from him.

"I'm finishing this in my room."

"You do that sister," he calls out after me.

When I get to my room, I check the calendar. Only two weeks until my birthday. My mom promised me she'd let me go to a waterpark on my birthday with my friends. I'm planning on bringing Trey, Derek, and a few others from school. I really want to bring Simon too, but he won't answer my calls.

Sighing, I lie down on my bed. What do I do?

Rummaging through my stuff, I get a certain number out. Ms. Inkster told me I can call her anytime I needed her. She and I got pretty close throughout a few meetings, and I found quite a lot of similarities between us.

"Hello?" She answers only after two rings.

"Hi, this is Clary? Clarissa Morgenstern?"

"Oh, hi, Clary. Everything alright?"

"Yeah, everything's fine."

"Well, it's good to hear your voice again. Are you enjoying your summer break?"

"Yup."

"Better enjoy it when you can," she says playfully.

Sometimes, I really think she's my friend.

"I just had something I wanted to talk about."

"Okay, what is it?"

"Well, there's a really close friend of mine," I start slowly. "But he's not calling me back these days, and I'm worried."

"Does this friend of yours go to this school?"

"He used to, but he's... Um, homeschooling."

"Oh. So he's not calling you back, huh?"

"We used to be really close, and I don't even know why."

"Maybe that's what you need to figure out first. Have you tried contacting his parents?"

Okay, what do I say to this? That he's actually a vampire?

"Yes, but they won't answer either."

"Tell me about this friend first."

"Well, we've basically watched each other grow up. And... He's nerdy and funny, and he's quite nice."

"Hmm, what about the environment he's growing up in?"

"Well, his parents are nice, and they are not really poor or something, although they aren't rich. He's educated quite well, and has a lot of friends. Oh, and he also has a girlfriend."

"Maybe the girlfriend's the reason why?"

"No, no, not at all. I know that for certain."

"How long has he been shutting you out?"

"Almost half a year."

"Wow. That must be tough. Look, do you trust him?"

"Of course I do. He's the only one I trust completely."

"Well, I think you should wait for a bit. If he's known you forever, I'm sure there is a reason. Be patient, and he'll soon come back to you. I swear that."

"What if he's abandoned me? For real?"

"I don't think he has. Do you have an ice cream at home?" she suddenly asks.

"Um... Yeah?"

"Okay, so here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna go downstairs, stuff yourself with that ice cream, and read a sappy sappy romance novel until you fall asleep. Got it?"

"Alright," I say, laughing. "I'll do that."

* * *

It's pass midnight, but I'm still reading this fucked up romance, putting more and more chocolate ice cream in my system. Finally thinking I'm going to puke if I continue, I reach out to turn the bedside lamp off with my stomach still pressed against the bed. I drop the bowl and the book on the floor and put my head on the pillow.

The night is silent until... Until I hear a series of footsteps that grows louder. I gulp, wondering what Sebastian is up to now. The noise suddenly stops, right in front of my bedroom. I clench the bedsheet, hoping he won't open the door. Damn it! The door creaks open, letting a streak of light come in.

Deep breath, Clary. Everything's okay.

"What are you doing here?" I hiss, still not turning toward him.

Sebastian doesn't answer, slowly approaching me. I turn to see him... And I realize... He has pitch black hair. Definitely not Sebastian's. And he has a blade in his hand.

Screaming silently, I stumble backward, leading myself to crash on the floor. I grunt, trying to ignore the pain. The boy jumps on my bed, staring down at me, ready to lunge. I pick up the lamp from the table, and throw it at him as hard as I can. With a growl, he reflexively block the throw with his elbow.

I stand up, running out for the door, but the boy grabs me by the back of my shirt, making me fall down again. But I bring him down with me, him landing on top of me. I try to get him off me, sending random punches toward his direction.

Dodging my blows, he brings the blade down, but in the last second, I move my head to he side and it only grazes my ear. Feeling blood pouring down, I grab his wrist that has the blade and fight back, but only to realize how strong he is. So I pull my knee up to his groin, pushing him off me while he groans in pain. In the semi-darkness, I search for the book I was reading and bring it down on his face multiple times.

God, Jace. Why is this keep happening to me?

Then, in the last moment, he grabs the book and throws it away. And just as he raises his blade again, I get the ice cream bowl and fling it at his hand. The blade and the bowl finds themselves scattered on the floor and both of us reach for it.

But only if I wasn't so foolish. He grabs my reached out arm with another hand, twisting it almost to the point of breaking. I let out a strangled scream, throwing my other fist everywhere except for his face. I finally let my foot collide with his jaw just as he grabs his blade back.

He pushes me against the floor with his forearm on my neck, choking me. And just then, the door opens more widely, revealing Sebastian, leaning against the doorframe.

"Well, well, well. Lucas. Nice to see you here. Choking my dear sister to death, I see. I thought we had an agreement?" He says, calmly as usual.

So this is the Lucas Ashtail. Finally got to actually see his face, huh? Just when he's about to kill me.

"Sebastian," he smirks, blood dripping down from his cracked lips to my cheek. "I've been waiting for you to come."

"I can see that. Release her," he says, coldly.

"In your dreams. You know what I want. Come on, give me one chance."

"Holding my sister as a hostage, eh? _Cliche_."

"What the hell are you guys talking about?" I pant, still pinned against the floor.

"Careful now, Lucas," Sebastian says, but not losing the confidence in his voice.

"I'm tired of this. I want you to replace her."

"Then who will be the sacrifice?"

"Her," he says, pointing the blade at me.

"No can do. You are. And you're going to listen to me."

"No, you listen!" He snarls, pressing the sharp, cold blade against the skin of my neck.

I gasp at the sudden sensation.

"If you kill her... If she dies, then who?" Sebastian asks again.

"Anyone. Anyone can replace her."

Sebastian clenches and unclenches his jaw, glaring at the boy.

"Let go of her, boy."

His grip on the blade only tightens, my blood tickling down my collarbone.

"Give me the bracelets!" He yells.

"Now, now, don't want to wake Clarissa's mother, do we?"

"Liar," Lucas hisses. "I know she's not home."

"Well, that's very clever of you. However this-" he motions. "Is not. If you want to stay alive, let go of my sister."

"Why should I? Three seconds. That's all you get. You don't want your precious sister to die, do you?"

"Go ahead," he says, and I visually gulp.

"Three."

Sebastian remains his calm posture.

"Two."

I can literally feel Lucas's muscles tensing. Shit, help!

"One."

And just before Lucas can end my life, Sebastian lunges toward him, pushing him off me. I gasp, not paying attention to them, but in breathing. I press against the light wound on my neck while Sebastian stands up, leaving Lucas limp on the ground.

"Is he...?"

"He'll live," Sebastian answers, dragging the body. "He won't do that again."

"We're you guys... Talking about your plan?" I ask, hoping he'd answer.

"Look, Clarissa. I want you to forget everything that happened. Got it?"

"But-"

"Thank you," he says, walking out and closing the door.

Letting out a noise of exasperation, I collapse on my bed, closing my eyes. What the hell just happened?

 **Oh, come on, Clary. Are you sure that's everyone who's coming to the waterpark? Hm? Hm? I'm sure someone else wants to come. ;) Well, I hope you enjoyed that chapter and thanks for reviewing!**


	13. Just Starting to Crawl

**Just Starting to Crawl**

So Trey, Derek, Christina, and Tris. I finally made up my mind. Those are the people I'm bringing to the waterpark. I called all of them last night and they all said yes.

I pick out a denim short and a light green top and put on some make up-a date with Trey.

The doorbell rings when I'm finished, and I go downstairs to open it.

"Clary," Trey says. "You ready?"

"Yup."

"Tonight, I'm taking you to the best Italian restaurant ever."

"Oh, please. You're doing this just because you love pasta."

"Hey, I know you've grown to like it too. I heard you eat pasta everyday whenever your mom's away."

"Fine. Let's go finish up this restaurant."

* * *

"Since when were you so close to Christina and Tris?"

"I don't know. Well, they sit near me in biology. Or was that history?"

"English," he corrects me. "My point proven."

"Well, they seemed to know my brother," I say, shrugging.

"Wait, is your brother coming too?"

"No," I tell him. "Of course not."

"Well, thank god. He always kind of creeped me out."

"I know. He says weird things, doesn't he?"

"Yeah, he was talking about meat grinder last time, remember?"

I nod. Of course I remember that.

"So how do you like your pasta?" I ask, trying to change the subject.

"Perfect. It's heavenly. Maybe next time I'll take you to a sushi place?"

"Sounds good," I say, smiling.

"Can I ask you something, Clary?" He asks, this time more seriously.

"Sure. What is it?"

"Are you and Sebastian related?"

"Um, yeah. Why do you ask that?"

"Well, you guys don't exactly look alike."

"He has my father's look."

"Oh," Trey says, knowing that this is a touchy thing. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For mentioning... Uh... Him."

I almost burst out laughing. He can be so awkward sometimes.

"That's fine! I don't exactly miss him, you know, we weren't really that close."

He nods understandingly, but I know that I must look like a cold hearted bitch.

"Trey, can _I_ ask you something?"

He nods.

"What do you like about me?"

He seems pretty startled by the question.

"Everything."

"Everything bad?" I ask.

"Everything good _and_ bad. It's unfair, you know. Everyone has flaws, but I love your flaws. Flaws aren't supposed to be lovable."

"Wow, you sound like a textbook boyfriend," I say, laughing.

"Was it really that bad?"

"Yup, and that's the flaw I like about you."

He laughs, leaning in to kiss me.

I kiss back gently until the waitress comes to get us our bill, smiling awkwardly.

"How many boyfriends did you have before me?"

I freeze instantly. My heart starts aching hard. Really hard.

"Three," I answer honestly. "But I was in love with only one."

Jace. I was in love with Jace, and I still am.

"Do you still... Think about him?"

"Yes... I'm sorry but, I do."

His eyes are gentle, but he bites his lip.

"Did he break up with you?"

"I don't really want to talk about it," I say, inhaling sharply.

"I'm sorry."

I give him a weak smile, standing up.

"Let's go," I say, trying to forget about Jace.

* * *

When I get home, Sebastian is sitting in a couch in the living room, his face turned away from me.

"Did your mom ever talk about me?"

"No," I reply, biting my lower lip. "But she used to cry over you."

"Not me," he laughs dryly. "Over Jonathan, but not me. Over the boy who never existed. How stupid is that?"

"She knows that the boy is still in you."

"No," he says, turning over to me. "The boy died long time ago."

"Why exactly are you asking me this?" I ask, crossing my arms over my chest.

"I was just curious. Well, now I got my answer. Time to go to bed, Clarissa."

He stands up, and kisses me on my cheek. I flinch away from the kiss, walking away from him.

* * *

That night, I head downstairs to get some water in my system. It's past midnight, so I bet Sebastian is in his room.

I walk into the kitchen, but I let out a scream when I see it. A figure rummaging through stuffs in the fridge. Sebastian. He drops the empty beer can he was holding when he sees me, startled. Startled? Sebastian is never startled.

"Clary," he says, a grin spreading on his mouth.

"Sebastian," I acknowledge coldly. "What are you doing?"

I can clearly see that he is totally wasted by the look on his face and the several empty cans of beer rolling around the floor. He leans against the fridge, closing it hastily.

"I thought I would use some mundane distraction," he gestures at the cans.

He exhales loudly, while I just stand there, confused. This is a whole new Sebastian. Vulnerable, weak, and broken. His always stiff shoulders are loosened as he stares right back at me, his eyes distant.

"Clarissa," he whispers. "Beautiful."

He reaches out and tucks a loose strand of my hair behind my ear.

When I don't flinch away, he smirks, cupping my cheek with his hands and kissing me. I taste alcohol on my lips, but I can also taste emotions. Realizing who's kissing me, I push him in disgust, and to my surprise, he falls down.

I stare at his limp posture on the ground, still and unmoving. As much as I wish he's dead, I know it's not true. Even a sword won't kill him.

I stand still, looking at him for minutes, frozen. I should probably leave him here. I mean, why should I carry him to a bed of something? I don't owe him. And why would I care anyway?

So I turn around, walking away from him coldly until... Well, until he says something.

"Father," the boy croaks, still unconscious.

Is it just me, or did that sound like a beg? I feel something hot and jelly in my heart. I turn around to face him again, eyeing his limp body. This isn't Sebastian. This is a stranger.

* * *

Why the hell does he have to be so heavy? I drag his body to the couch, every muscle in my body tensed. I finally put him on the couch, panting. He's still asleep. Asleep like any normal boy.

Catching my breath, I kneel down and watch him sleep. Not out of adoration, but out of curiosity. The boy always so straight and tense, now relaxed and peaceful. It's amazing, you know. It feels so weird that I'm actually watching Sebastian sleeping.

I think for one second, how it would be if he didn't have demon blood in his veins. What if he was a real brother, loving and caring? Feeling a single tear rolling down my face, I brush a loose strand of his pale blonde hair back, loosing myself in a daydream.

But I know that this is the boy who killed. This is the boy who tried to hurt me. This is the boy who can't love. This is the boy who is planning something on Winter Solstice, and that plan has something to do with me. They mentioned a sacrifice. But Sebastian said Lucas will be it. Then what about me? What am I?

Sighing, I stand up and turn around, looking at his face once more. I'll probably never see him this way again. I head back to my room after grabbing myself some water. Sebastian is confusing. But so am I.

* * *

I am almost finished with my pancakes when Sebastian walks in, his hair messy. He mutters something under his breath and sits down on a chair.

"I'm never drinking again," he croaks, slouching.

"Headache?" I ask and he nods.

Sebastian complaining about pain. Exposing it. His vulnerability.

"Tylenol is in the bathroom shelf."

"And that is...?"

"Figure out yourself," I say, sighing.

"So last night was... Different. It's like there's a hole in my memory."

"Do you remember anything?" I ask, hoping he won't remember me.

"No. Just drinking. The next thing I remember is waking up in the couch. Did you put me there?"

"No," I lie.

His lips are pressed against each other into a thin line.

"Of course, not."

"Why the hell would I do that?"

"Well, we are, in fact, having quite a normal sibling conversation."

"No, we're not," I say, frowning.

"Keep telling yourself that. So how's things going on with Trey?"

"You know what? You're right. I don't know why I'm talking to you about this," I say, standing up.

"Just stop messing around with you and his brain, Clarissa. Human's biggest flaw is vulnerability. Hearts can be scarred so easily, dear sister."

I won't hurt Trey. I know I won't.

* * *

"Up! Up, up, up, up, up! It's time to feel the beautiful sunshine! It's time to hear the birds chirping! It's time to-"

I fling my pillow to wherever the sound is coming from.

"Ouch! Is this how you treat your own mother?"

Oops. Sorry mom.

"I'm letting you off the hook just for this once, because... You're the birthday girl! And it's time to get out of bed, sweetheart!"

"Mom, the birthday girl wants some sleep," I groan.

"But I'm sure your friends would be waiting."

"I don't care."

"Come on, baby!"

I groan loudly, sitting up hastily.

"Fine, fine. I'm up."

"I don't know about the others, but Lucas is super excited about this."

"Yeah, yeah... Wait, what? Lucas?"

"Um, yeah? Your friend?"

"But I didn't even invite him!"

"Well, he said you did. And actually, I don't care if you did or didn't. He practically lives in this house, Clarissa. You can't leave him out."

"Watch me."

"He's coming."

"No, he's not."

"Yes he is. End of discussion."

"But mom-"

"Nope."

"He can't come with us."

"Give me one good reason."

I remain silent. I can't tell her he might try to drown me when no one's looking.

"Thought so. Get dressed and come downstairs. You packed last night, right?"

She then, leaves the room. What the hell?

"Lucas!" I yell, and find him running into my room.

"What?" He asks, smirking.

"What the hell have you done?"

"Can't I even see my sister swimming?"

"But I swear, if you leave a single scrape on me or my friends-"

"I promised, remember? And did I ever break that promise?"

"Yes."

"Well, that was unintended. See you downstairs."

 **I know, I know. It's short. But I'll update soon. Forgive me? :) Well, hope you enjoyed and thanks for reviewing!**


	14. Say Something(2)

**Say Something(2)**

"Come on, Clary. It's a waterpark. Why are you here if you're not going into deeper water?" Trey complains.

"I can have as much as fun in the shallow part, you know. Besides, I can't swim."

"You can learn."

I shake my head viciously.

"I'm having so much fun. See?" I splash the water on his face, eliciting a sound of disapproval from him.

"Clary," he coughs. "Stop."

He starts splashing back, but there's something in his eyes. Guess that's why I decided to turn around. But too late. Derek grabs me by my waist, throwing my on his shoulder.

"Derek!" I scream. "Stop. Right now."

Despite my dangerously low voice, he marches in to the deeper part of the pool.

"Derek, please. I don't want to die yet. Please," I change my plan, begging him.

"No can do, princess."

"Put me down. Now."

"Oh really?"

He suddenly drops me, and I desperately cling onto the back of his neck. Reflexively, I wrap my legs around his waist, and search for Trey for help.

"Trey! You're my boyfriend! Help."

Trey shrugs, leaning back on the edge of the pool, smirking evilly. I look around for-although I don't want to admit-Sebastian, but he's just grinning at me while Christina is trying to grab his attention.

"Sebastian?" I groan.

"Yes, Clarissa?"

"Help?"

"Are you begging me?"

I shoot daggers at him. Clenching my jaw, I look at Derek, who's smiling in amusement.

"Three."

"No."

"Two."

"I'll kill you."

"Damn it!" He suddenly says, his smile faltering.

"Why? What's wrong?"

Now that was a mistake. Because in that distracted moment, he throws me into the deeper part as hard as he can. It feels like I'm flying, thanks to my non existent weight. I scream a silent scream, knowing that there are people around me.

The water takes me in, my eyes and nose and throat burning from the chlorine.

"Help!" I scream when I bob over the surface for a second.

Then, I sink again, repeating the procedure. I half plead, half glare at the lifeguard.

"You need help?" He finally asks, but there's this amused smile on his face.

Ugh.

"Duh!" I gulp.

"No, you don't need to. This is her, swimming," Derek interrupts.

"Got it," the lifeguard says.

So I decide to do the worst thing ever. I grab onto a random stranger. Which unfortunately for both of us, happens to be a girl that can't be more than eight, clinging onto her mother.

"Mommy!" She screams.

I try to let go, but I can't. What can I say, my survival instinct cannot be ignored. So, the mom pushes me away as hard as she can, glaring at me while I sink deeper.

I'm dead. Dead. Dead. I can already see the inscriptions on my gravestone.

 _Killed by a devilish ex angel_.

Then, two strong hands grab my waist, pulling me upward. I gasp for the air, my throat burning like hell.

"You're quite short, aren't you?" He asks.

Nodding, I continue to catch my breath.

Then, before I can thank my savior, I lunge myself away from him, flying straight at Derek. He looks alarmed as I grab his torso, making him fall while he brings me down with him. But I don't care. All I'm thinking right now is revenge. I keep him underwater as long as I can, but I have to eventually come up for air.

"See? You already learned," Derek says, smirking.

"I will kill you, I promise, I will kill you."

I look back at the guy who saved me. He has short brown hair, with a silver loop through his right earlobe.

"Thanks!" I yell, smiling at him.

He nods in acknowledgement, wadding away from me.

* * *

"Guys, I'm bored," Christina whines. "Let's try some of those rides now."

We don't complain. We decided to save the rides for later, but I think everyone pretty much agrees with Christina.

To my surprise, Sebastian didn't exactly bother me. Yet.

"What do you want to try first?" Trey asks.

"How about the Revenge of Neptune?" I suggest.

"That," Derek says. "Is the lamest name I've ever heard."

"Well, name doesn't matter," Tris points out. "It looks fun."

"Look at the line," Christina says. "It's the shortest ever. Actually, there's like no one."

"Exactly my point. We'd get to do it again and again," I say.

Finally-with a lot of sighs-we decide to try that ride first.

"It's two people per tube," the lifeguard explains.

"Come in, sis. Let's go kill this ride," Sebastian says, slinging his arm on my shoulder.

"I'm not going with you," I say, frowning.

"Yes, you are. Come on, it's just one ride. I promise not to bother you again."

"But Sebby, can't you go with me?" Christina pouts.

"Christina!" Tris scowls.

"Fine, Tris," she rolls her eyes. "Next time, Sebby."

* * *

Care to explain why I'm sitting next to Sebastian in a small floatable boat, all tensed up? Trey and Derek went first, and then Christina and Tris.

We're in this tunnel thing, and it's just dim enough to make out a face right in front of me. The ride is pretty boring. I guess Neptune isn't really that scary at all.

"It gets bumpier in the end, Clarissa. Heard there's like a twelve meters fall later on," Sebastian says, seeming to read my thoughts.

I gulp, holding more tightly onto the handle. Okay, maybe I'm a little bit more afraid of the fall than Sebastian. But that's because we are out in the public. Sebastian can be very very scary. His unpredictability is the scariest.

Then, I let out a yelp just as the boat jerks with an incredible amount of force. I close my eyes, bracing myself for another sudden move. Then, I feel it. The boat. Damn it. It's sinking.

"What's happening?!" I yell at Sebastian.

But I know the answer. There's a hole somewhere on the boat, and it's sinking.

"Damn it!" I scream as the boat turns into a heap of mess. "Sebastian!"

I grab onto his shoulders, not daring to let go of him.

"Told you you'll clinging onto me soon."

"Are you fucking serious? Is that what you're gonna say right now?"

Somehow, he doesn't look panicked.

"Calm down, panicking won't do much."

"We're going to die!"

"We are not going to die. I promised, remember?"

"The bracelet," I whisper. "Use the bracelet!"

We are now being carried away by the rapid current, constantly bumping into the wall.

"But that's no fun now, is it?"

I stare at him in a shock. What did he just say?

"The fall."

"We'll live through it," he says, smirking.

"Sebastian, please!"

"Why would I if I like being in this position."

I quickly unwrap my legs from his waist, but soon return to my previous position when I bump into the wall again.

"Sebastian," I groan, clenching my teeth.

"Mm."

I want to glare at him, but I'm too scared. Is this how I'm going to die?

I hate my body flushed against him, I hate my hands clinging onto him, and I hate my legs wrapped around him.

"Do it. Now!"

Then it happens. We both fall into the darkness. I scream, somehow seperate from Sebastian now. Then, suddenly I see the light. What the hell? It's over?

"Told you we won't need the bracelet," Sebastian says, standing up.

I am still sitting in the middle of the small pool, while a lifeguard tells me to get out.

"You idiot!" I scream at Sebastian. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I did, actually."

"You know what I mean."

"But if I told you it'll be fine, we wouldn't have been in that position for that long, now would we?"

I gape at him, then almost slap myself for being so stupid. After all, I'm just left with a few bruises.

"I told you to get out of there, Miss!" The lifeguard shouts again.

* * *

"Are you okay?" Derek asks, looking at my bruises. "Was it your..."

"No," I answer. "It wasn't Sebastian. It was the stupid boat."

He raises an eyebrow, but I don't answer back.

"I'm tired. Can we come back tomorrow morning or something?"

"Sure. I'll ask the others."

Fortunately, they all agree with me, and we get in Derek's car to head to the hotel. Christina and Tris is asleep like dead bodies, and I think I might too if Sebastian isn't sitting right next to me, constantly playing with my clothes. I'm too busy slapping his hand away. There's this unmentioned tension between Sebastian snd Derek, but I decide to ignore it.

"So, Sebastian," Derek says, driving. "How's things going on so far in your life?"

Damn him. What is he doing, and why?

"Pretty cool, actually. I have my amazing sister with me, don't I?" He puts his arm around my shoulder and I stiffen, but decide not to show it. "What about you? Anything I'd need to know?"

"Possibly. I'm all about good and evil, you know," he laughs dryly.

"That's a funny thing to say. Especially when someone's records are not that clear either. I heard love can destroy you."

Derek tenses up, his hands gripping tightly at the handle.

"Take you, then take Clary."

"Sebastian," I speak in a warning voice.

"I was just pointing out things, dear sister."

"What are you guys talking about?" Trey interrupts.

"Yes, take Trey too. It'll happen anytime soon now."

"Stop it," I warn him.

"It would have been so much better if Derek stopped too, right? Now look where she is-"

"Say one more word, and I swear I'll break your neck," Derek growls.

"Guys, stop," I say.

"Clary, what are they talking about?"

"You'll understand soon, dear boy. Very soon," Sebastian smirks at Trey.

Derek jerks the car to a side of the road, hitting the break.

"Derek!" I exclaim. "Just ignore him. He's not worth it. There's Trey and the other girls."

Derek braces himself again as Sebastian just remains calm.

That's another thing about him. He knows how to mess with people's emotions.

* * *

The girls and I got our own hotel room which was right next to the boys'. I really don't like the idea of Derek and Trey spending time with Sebastian, but I guess there's no other way.

We're eating chips right now, watching a horror movie in the boys' room. I flinch everytime something scary appears, and the flying chips from my hand seems to annoy Christina who's right next to me.

"No! Don't open that door! You idiot, haven't you watched any movies?" Christina shouts as the girl approaches the door. "Don't open it! Don't open it! Damn it!"

The girl opens it and screams as something falls down from the ceiling.

"No, no, no, no, no! Don't look straight at the cameras!" She yells again when the girl's gaze starts nearing the camera. "Don't you dare!"

Too bad, her eyes stare right into us, screaming once again as a figure appears.

"She needs to learn what cliches are," Tris mutters under her breath.

"Can you turn the volume down? The music's killing my nerves!" Trey complains.

"That's the whole point of a horror movie," I point out.

Derek seems pretty amused, not really affected by the movie. Of course, he was a freaking angel. Could he fly? I'm gonna ask him that later. Sebastian is looking at the screen, his eyes looking bored.

The movie finishes with a girl screaming my ears off, and I sigh in relief when the screen turns black.

"Well, that was something," Tris says, standing up.

 **Well, I hope you enjoyed that, and just in case you were wondering, that guy who helped Clary out was Scott Parnell from Hush Hush. And I love him so much, but... Alright, no spoilers.**


	15. I'm Giving Up On You(2)

**I'm Giving Up On You(2)**

I get up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep. I am not the kind of person who sleeps well in a different enviornment than usual. I get my sketch pad and my pencil, heading out of the room.

When I'm walking past the boys' room, I see something on the door. A sticky note.

 _Went outside to grab some midnight snack. Will come back soon._

I continue walking until a thought occurs. I get their key out of my pocket and slowly open the door. I step inside the dark room, searching for Sebastian's bag. I find it neatly placed beside a bed that must be Sebastian's. I carefully rummage through his stuff, looking for something unusual. I find a notepad, but when I open it, it's blank. I find some blades hidden in a pocket, and I also find his stele. Then, I find a ticket-

"What are you doing here?"

Startled, I stand up, dropping his bag. Sebastian is lying down on his bed, his face neutral as usual.

"I thought... I thought you were out."

"The other two boys are. But why don't you answer my question, dear sister?"

"I was... I had a headache and I was wondering if you brought some meds."

"Weird, you seemed to... I don't know, very tensed up while you were searching?"

I bite my lip, waiting for him to say something else.

"Come here," he says hoarsely, sitting up.

"Why?" I try to sound strong, but it comes out like a whimper.

He smirks, putting his hands on my waist and dragging me toward him.

I stay like that, my heart about to burst open.

He carefully brushes a loose strand of my hair back.

"I think I remember. I thought it was a dream, but it was real. I'm sure," he speaks.

"Remember what?"

"You," he grins.

He grabs my hip, raising me upward-I can't believe I'm that light-and putting me down on his lap. I try to pull away, but his intense gaze keeps me frozen.

"What about me?" I whisper, finally breaking the silence.

"You see, I might have been drunk, but not that drunk, Clarissa."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I say, trying to pull away, but Sebastian keeps me still.

He grabs my hands and put them in his sides, leaning in to kiss me. I lean backward, wishing he'd let me go.

"Sebastian-"

"Shh. I can make you forget about him. I can make your nightmares go away. I can love you forever."

"You know you can't. Stop lying to yourself and me."

"I do love. I felt hatred everytime the golden boy touched you. I happen to think that that is love."

"That isn't love. When you love someone, you don't think, you feel. It's not what's in your brain. It's all about your heart," I whisper.

"I do feel. In my heart. You think I can't feel love because my heart is tainted, don't you?"

"Demons don't feel."

"But angels do. Don't forget I still have Nephilim blood in my veins, dear sister."

"You're not a shadowhunter anymore."

"And so are you. We're the same."

"Not again," I mutter under my breath.

"What is it that the boy has, that I don't?"

"Everything. Trey is-"

"I wasn't talking about him. I was talking about the Herondale."

I inhale sharply as he mentions the name.

"You still love him, I know that. But why?"

I don't answer, tears lingering in my eyes.

"I can make you forget. I can be him. I can love you much more than he did," he brushes my tears away gently.

I still love him. I am desperately, patheticly, and devastatingly in love with him. And although I'm dating Trey, I'll never be able to let him go.

"Let him go, Clary. Let him rest. You need to move on."

"I did move on," I whisper through my tears.

"For real, you didn't," he runs his hand along my hair.

I slap the hand away, wiping my tears.

"Please leave me alone."

"Clary-"

"Let go of me," I say, this time more sternly.

Then, he door flies open, revealing Derek and my _boyfriend_.

"Clary?" Trey asks, confused.

"Trey," I quickly get myself off Sebastian as his grip loosens,

Derek glares at Sebastian, his posture all tensed up.

"What are you doing here?"

"I was just looking for some meds, but Sebastian wanted to talk to me. I think I'll go now," I walk away from Sebastian.

Derek gives me an inquiring look on my way out, but I decide to ignore it.

* * *

"Yes! Sushi!" I scream as Trey delievers them to our room for breakfast.

I give him a light kiss on his cheek, and sit down with others to eat.

"I knew you'd scream like that."

"Well, me being me, I had to," I tell him, smiling.

He laughs, caressing my hair, and I playfully slap away his hand when I see the jealous look on Derek's face.

"I think I'll just head back to our room. I need to finish packing up," he stands up, walking out of the room.

"I think I'll help Derek," I say, following him.

"But what about the sushi?" Christina asks.

"Just save me some!"

I find Derek sitting on the edge of his bed.

"Hey, you... Okay?"

"Yup," he nods, his gaze on his feet.

I sit down next to him, feeling a bit awkward.

"What was she like?" I ask.

He makes a sad smile, turning to face me.

"Beautiful. She had red hair like you, but she denied it all the time, saying she's a brunette. Her cold, pale gray eyes radiated intelligence all over. She had trust issues and was very very sarcastic, but I really didn't mind."

"Do you ever regret? Loving her?"

"No, never."

"I do," I whisper. "I wish I haven't met him in the first place."

"The time will heal everything. I regretted too, at first, but you adapt. It turns to something else."

"I don't think it ever will. I only feel pain."

"Just wait and see. You'll know what I mean."

"I don't know..."

"You know what I do regret though?"

"What?"

"Not telling her. If I've known that I'd be like this anyways, I would have told her. I would have kissed her. I was just too scared, I guess," he says bitterly. "And look what happened. She got married, had three kids, and died."

I remain silent.

"Don't worry," he speaks again. "She was happy, so I just accept it."

"Do you think I'll be able to do that too someday? Accept it?"

"After all, we are smart creatures. We always, always do."

* * *

I step into the pool once again, feeling the coldness seep into my skin. Sebastian comes in too, right beside me.

"You going to the deeper part this time?" He asks.

"No."

"I can teach you."

"No thanks."

"Come on. Let me teach you."

"I said no."

"First, get to know the feel of the water," he says, ignoring my comment. "Move around your limbs."

Unconsciously, I do as he says.

"There you go. Now grab onto my hand and try to float on the water, stomach down."

"There is no way I'm learning how to swim from my brother in front of this many people like a baby."

"Well, they don't have to think that I'm your brother," he says, grabbing my hip and pulling me closer against him.

"Yes, they do," I push him away. "I'm gonna go find Trey now."

"You should really tell him, you know."

"Tell him what?"

"How you really _feel_. Because I don't think you should be the one giving me lectures about love."

* * *

"Hey, mom?"

"Yes, honey?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Use protection, Clary," she jokes.

"Mom."

"Fine, what is it?"

"What would you do if... Okay, there's this friend of mine, his name is Patch. He just broke up with the love of his life, and what if he was using another girl to get over her? To keep his promise to her to move on?"

"Well, honey. I won't blame him. He's confused and angry. But if he knows that he's hurting the girl, he shouldn't be doing it. Who knows, maybe the girl's already in love with Patch. That wouldn't end up well."

"But what if he wanted to move on? What if he couldn't find anyone else? What if he was afraid of letting the girl go, because he likes the girl in a friendly way, and doesn't want to say goodbye?"

"Things don't always go the way you want it to. He needs to let her go even if it means loosing her. And I'm sure that years later, Trey will look back and say, well that was a hell of a weird but lovable friend."

"How did you know?" I squint my eyes.

"It was obvious everytime you were with him. You looked at him the way you used to look at Simon. But I wanted you to make your own choices."

"So you're saying I should tell him?"

She nods, cupping my cheek with her hand.

* * *

"So? What did you want to talk about?"

I sit down next to him on a bench, swollowing hard.

"Everything's okay, right?"

"Listen, remember when we talked about my... Exes?"

He nods, probably wondering where this is going.

"Well, I told you about one boy... That I used to love. That I still think about."

"Don't tell me he said he wants you back," he says, his voice harsh.

"He didn't. He can't. Because... Because he's dead."

Trey looks startled.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, hugging me.

"I'm not done yet. Trey, I don't just think about him. I... I still love him. And I know that we're dating, but I don't think about you in that way."

Trey doesn't speak, trying to take in what I just said.

"I understand that you're mad, but I wasn't thinking clearly. I'm so sorry. I really am, and I regret it so much. But if you-"

"No, stop. Stop talking," he says, taking deep breaths. "You don't like me."

"I do like you! I love you! But just... Not in that way."

"You just used me?"

"Trey-"

"You used me. And now you're telling me you don't need me anymore."

"I do need you! I just realized I'm not being fair, and-"

"You know what's not fair? It's you who made mistake, and I'm the one who has to pay for it."

"I'm sorry. But I'll be paying for it too. Because I love you-"

"If you loved me, you wouldn't have done this to me. You don't hurt people you love."

I freeze, knowing that it sounds familiar. It's what I always tell Sebastian. He was right, I'm not the to give out lectures.

"Trey, I'm so sorry."

"And what, now? You're sorry, so we're gonna go watch a movie and stay friends from now on? Cause you know what? I'm done with this. Whatever this was, because I thought it was something special, but apparently, it wasn't to you," he says, standing up.

"Trey... Can't we just stay friends or something? I know I don't deserve you, but I can't loose you."

"How much more selfish can you get? Do you have any idea... Any idea how close I was to fall in love for you. It could have been next week! It could have been tomorrow! Or maybe... Maybe I already am."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop. I don't want to hear it anymore."

I wipe a tear from my face, standing up too.

"You know, it makes perfect sense now. Everything. I was too stupid not to realize it."

"Is this... Goodbye?"

He doesn't answer, leaving the question hanging in the air as he walks away from me. And now, I know. I just lost another boy I love.

 **Aww... Sorry, I had to do that because I was growing too attached to Trey, and I had to stick to the plot. Well, hope you enjoyed and Nora Grey is the one Derek loved.**


	16. I'm Sorry

**I'm Sorry**

I stumble into my room, picking up my pajama pants on my way to the bed. I collapse on the mess of the sheets, facedown. I slowly get changed, trying to take as much time as possible. But when I'm done, and I don't have anything left to do, my tears loose control. I stifle my sob into the pillow, soaking it with my tears.

I'll never have him back. No matter what I do, he'll never forgive me. Guilt. I remember what Sebastian told me about it. Could Jace have...? No, I should really stop letting Sebastian affect my thoughts. But still though, he was right about one thing. I should have let Trey go earlier.

My burning tears trickle down my cheeks as I try to breathe. In, and out. In, and out. I try to calm myself down, but I can't stop crying. I think about Jace once again. He's gone, Simon's gone, and now Trey. Maybe Sebastian was right about something else. Maybe I'm too selfish for people to like me.

The door creaks open, letting a streak of light get into the room. I pretend to be sleeping, remaining still. I know it's Sebastian by the footsteps.

He comes near me, and I wonder if he's here to comfort me, or kill me. Like I said, he's unpredictable. I feel him lying on my bed behind me, putting his arms around me.

Usually, I would have pushed him away. But now, I just can't find myself to do it. There is so less love, but so much hatred.

I gasp for air when I can't hold the pain back anymore. I want to scream, just like I did when I saw Jace for the last time. I want them back. Because I'm selfish. I want Jace, Simon, and Trey back. And my brother. I want my brother back.

I feel Sebastian's breath on the back of my neck. I suddenly realize that maybe, this is all because of him. Maybe then, Jace wouldn't have died. Maybe then, I wouldn't have hurt Trey.

Right, blaming everything on him. How noble of you. Maybe this is why I couldn't have been a shadowhunter. I'm too weak and selfish. And that's why I'm blaming Sebastian.

Letting out a pained sound, I claw at Sebastian's arms. He's the one that caused everything. He ruined my life. I kick him, and scream at him, but he doesn't respond. He just keeps his arms around me, warm and tight. And that night, I end up clinging onto him helplessly, remembering what he said about people clinging onto each other. Tonight, everything he'd said was proved right.

* * *

I wake up with a start out of a nightmare. I open my eyes, blinking a few times to adjust to the light. I see Sebastian in a chair next to the bed, looking at my... Looking at my sketchbook!

I gasp, reaching out for my drawings.

"What the hell?"

"I see you're up. Always have to make your appearance loud, don't you?"

"You don't look at my sketchbook. No one does."

"I had a headache, I was looking for some meds."

I squint, recognizing that.

"Whatever," I mutter. "Get out now."

"Why?"

"Because," I reply curtly, getting off the bed.

"I'll see you downstairs, okay?"

I nod, tying my hair back into a ponytail. I get changed, and sit down on the bed for a while. Should I call Trey? Just thinking about him hurts so much. Maybe I should just give him some time. But what if I loose him forever? It doesn't matter, I deserve it.

Shaking my thoughts off, I head downstairs to find Sebastian making pancakes.

"You're making pancakes," I state the obvious.

"Yup. Problem with that?"

"I thought you were born to be a warrior, not a cook."

"Trust me, I am fighting with this instructions. I can't believe this is English."

I snort, slouching on a chair.

"So I'm guessing it went bad?" He asks carefully as he flips the pancakes.

"Why do you care?"

"Well, for one, you are my sister."

"And here we go again."

"See? When you watch movies, you'll know this is how a normal siblings fight."

" _I_ do watch my movies. _You_ don't."

He shrugs, not bothering to look at me.

"I told you you should have done it earlier."

I remain silent, not wanting to admit it.

Sebastian brings the food on a plate, sitting down in front of me.

"When did my mom leave?" I ask.

"Shortly after you left last night."

I wish my mom was here to comfort me. I look at Sebastian, studying him. He's changed a lot ever since he first came here. Although he's still as manipulative as he was, something about him changed. Not more angelic or more demonic, but more humane. Just like I changed myself into a mundane.

"What are you looking at?" He suddenly asks, interrupting my thoughts.

"Nothing."

Just then, my phone rings, and I look at the screen to check the caller. I stand up abruptly, fumbling with my phone.

"It's Simon," I tell Sebastian, quickly accepting the call.

"Simon?" I ask, grinning like a little child.

Ms. Inkster was right after all.

"Clary," my heart sinks as soon as I hear his voice knotted with concern and stress.

"Is something wrong? Please tell me everything's okay."

"I don't know how to say this, but..."

"Just freaking open your mouth and pronounce the words!"

"You're mom's here. And she's... Hurt."

* * *

I sprint across the Institute, my footsteps echoing around in the building.

"Clary-"

I run past Izzy, into the infirmary.

"Mom?" I jog toward a bed where a figure is lying down.

A figure with fiery hair.

"Clary," Simon says.

"Is she going to be alright?" I ask frantically, not even bothering to catch my breath.

"Probably, though I can't be sure. Magnus took care of her."

"What... What happened?"

"A demon."

"Where was she?"

"We can't tell you," Izzy says from behind.

"Why not?"

"Because you're not one of us anymore," she says.

"So that's why?" I ask, looking back and forth between Izzy and Simon. "That's why you guys are shutting me out?"

"No, Clary. It was an order from the Clave-"

"No, Simon. I don't want to do this right now. I just want to be with my mom."

Simon nods understandingly, leaving the room with Izzy.

I look at my mom, as pale as a ghost.

"Mom," I whisper. "Please wake up. I want to see your eyes. I want you to tell me what happened."

I gently brush her cheek, wishing it would turn bright pink again.

"I love you, please wake up."

I grab her hand, providing her some warmth, but just then, I hear something crackle. I look at her hand and find something in her fist. A peice of paper. Slowly and carefully, I take the note out of her grip.

 _withered iris never to eclipse right_

 _speak out loud so that it can echo_

 _all should know_

 _dare engrave raw emerald king_

 _feather of raven_

 _fake ivy resulting end_

I knit my eyebrows together, trying to figure out whatever this is. It's definitely my mom's handwriting, but it doesn't make any sense at all. I put the note in my jean pocket, looking at my mom.

"Mom, please wake up and tell me what this means."

* * *

"Clary, are you going to stay for the night?" Isabelle asks.

"I don't know."

I don't want to leave my mom, but I don't want to stay a night in this place. Too many memories I want to forget.

"Look, don't worry about your mom, okay? We'll take care of her. She'll be fine."

I nod.

"Maybe I should come back tomorrow morning. Do you think she'll wake up soon?"

"I don't know, Magnus said it might take a while."

"A while ask in...?"

"He doesn't know. He said it might take quite a long time."

I bite my lip, my hands unconsciously covering the pocket where the note is resting in.

"I'll come back as soon as I can, okay?"

Izzy nods.

"Oh, and Isabelle? Can you please, please call me sometimes? I really need you guys."

"We'll try our best, Clary."

* * *

"How is she?" Sebastian asks as I walk in to the house.

"Do you really care?"

He doesn't answer for a moment.

"She didn't care for me, so why should I?"

"Then why do you ask?"

"I don't want to give you another reason to hate me."

"I'm tired. I'm going to sleep."

"Clary, wait," he says, grabbing my arm to stop me.

He leans in to meet my lips with his, gently which is unexpected. But that doesn't stop me from pushing him away. He's a demon. He can't love, and you can't love a demon.

"Just because I am not with Trey anymore doesn't mean I suddenly like you," I speak coldly.

"But it does mean you don't have to feel guilty when I kiss you."

"I never felt guilt when you kissed me. I only felt disgust."

"You're wrong," he holds my face in his hand. "You love me."

He leans back in again, kissing me more roughly this time. But this time, I don't try to push him away. I shut down every nerves and muscles in my system, still and unmoving until he's done.

"Clary," he whispers against my neck.

I, then, finally pull away.

"Please don't do this. If you really want to be loved, you don't do this."

"I do love you," he whispers against my hair.

"And I love you too," he looks surprised. "But not this you. I love Jonathan. The boy who held me as I cried, the boy who asked me to dance with him, the boy who tried to teach me how to swim, the boy who gave me advices about my friends."

And that's when I realize that I'm speaking the truth. I do love him. I've spent more than six months with him, and I love him. But I also realize that this boy standing in front of me is not that boy. He is too ruined. Too tainted with Lilith's blood.

"He's not here. It's all in your fantasy," he hisses painfully.

We stay like that quietly, both longing for each other, but not really each other. I don't want him. I want his phantom. He doesn't want me. He wants my love. But how so, if neither his phantom or my love doesn't exist?

But some things are better off not explained. Sometimes, it's better if you don't look. So I close my eyes, fooling my heart just for one second to believe that this is Jonathan. I stand on my tiptoes, kissing his cheek lightly. He looks down at me with a shocked face.

"Don't think it was meant for you," I say, snapping back to reality and walking away from him.

 **I know it's a little short, but I promise to update again soon. Do you think you can figure out what that note means? Try it, it's quite simple, actually. I know that a lot of things are unexplained right now, but that's just me being me. I like revealing everything in the end. Hope you enjoyed this chapter.**


	17. That I Couldn't Get to You

**That I Couldn't Get to You**

 _withered iris never to eclipse right_

 _speak out loud so that it can echo_

 _all should know_

 _dare engrave raw emerald king_

 _feather of raven_

 _fake ivy resulting end_

I keep reading it over and over, but I just can't figure it out. Withered iris never to eclipse right? Dare engrave raw emerald king? Do I even know what I'm trying to figure out?

I hear a ringtone for receiving text, and I look at the screen, hoping it's Trey. But my heart drops when I see that it's Derek.

 _(Trey is acting weird... Everything ok between with you guys?)_

Sighing out loud, I text him back.

 _(I told him how I feel and he broke up with me...)_

I shut my eyes close, not wanting to think about that moment.

 _(Oh... I should probably talk to him. u ok?)_

 _(...)_

 _(Maybe I shouldn't have asked that...)_

 _(Maybe ur right. Look, I need 2 ask u something.)_

 _(?)_

I text him what my mom wrote down on the note quickly.

 _(WTF?)_

 _(I know...)_

 _(Sorry, but I srsly don't get this crap.)_

 _(Can't u even guess? Like, does iris have anything to do with shadowhunters? Or maybe my brother?)_

 _(Nothing I can recall of... Maybe you shouldn't focus on the sentence. Maybe focus on the words or the letters. Can't u see any patterns?)_

 _(Not yet...)_

I listen to Derek, looking at the words first. Withered, iris, never, to, eclipse, right. I sigh, trying a few new matches, but failing epically.

Withered, speak, all, dare, feather, fake... I then, frown, seeing something. I stumble with my phone, texting Derek.

(I figured it out! I found out what it means!)

(What?)

(It mentions you in it... Read the first letter of every words. winter solstice ask Derek for fire.)

(What fire?)

(Only if I knew...)

(Could it be talking about heavenly fire?)

(Do you have it?)

(No, duh... And what about the winter solstice?)

(Yeah, about that, I think Sebastian is going to do something on that day. He mentioned the winter solstice a few times.)

(Well, I'll just try to figure out what the _fire_ means. Gtg now. I'll text u when I figure something out.)

(K, bye)

Sighing, I get off my bed to put some clothes on. I go downstairs, finding Sebastian. Still awkward from yesterday, I slowly walk into the kitchen, pouring myself some juice.

"Morning," he says.

I nod slightly, not making an eye contact.

"Are you going to visit your mom?"

"Probably at noon or something. Why?"

"I was wondering if I could take you somewhere."

"Where?"

"Where I grew up."

"Where you grew up?" I ask, shocked.

I've always thought about Sebastian being trained, but I never thought about him actually growing. Him growing up into this boy.

"Yes. You wanna come?"

"Sure," I say, this time more willingly than the time before.

I won't bring the weapons this time. I know he won't hurt me.

"What's it like?" I ask, not able to hold back my curiosity.

"You'll see."

I try to read his expression, but as always, his face doesn't show any emotions. Does he feel anything? Love, hatred, jealousy, happiness... Now I'm wondering, I've seen hatred, jealousy, hurt, and betrayal on his face, but why not love? Or happiness? Is he ever happy?

"Come on, we're gonna use the ring."

* * *

"Is this it?" I ask, looking at the grass field.

"We just have to walk for a bit."

I follow him in excitement. Maybe... Maybe if he sees the place where he grew up, he might feel something. Maybe there might be an emotion on his face.

"We're here," he announces, staring at a small cottage.

"Where exactly are we geographically?"

"Right outside Alicante."

"Are we... Safe?"

"You? Safer than usual."

But that's not what I meant. But then again, of course he's safe. No one can bend his wills.

We walk inside the cottage, a pleasant smell of woods greeting us. I inhale deeply, looking around. It's just a small cottage, nothing unusual.

"I was born in the Fairchild manor, but Valentine burned it to fake our deaths. After then, he raised me here, while he brought Jace to the Wayland manor."

I wonder how his childhood was. I bet he never giggled or smiled. I bet he has no happy memories at all.

"Valentine taught me everything. But he never loved me. He said no one will ever love me because I'm a monster. Not that I care. All I ever want is you," he says, brushing a strand of my hair back.

I flinch away from his touch. Am I supposed to be feeling bad for him? Because, the thing is, I don't. Because I don't know if it is Sebastian or Jonathan standing in front of me.

"Tell me you love me," he whispers.

I avoid his intense gaze, turning my head away. What am I supposed to say? That I love him? I don't know who this is. At least when I first met him, it was easy. I just had to hate him.

"Tell me you'll never abandon me."

I feel a tear streaming down my face. But why? Why am I crying?

"Are you here?" I ask painfully slowly.

Sebastian looks at me, confused.

"I want to know," I try one more time. "What you are right now."

He remains silent. Maybe he doesn't know himself either.

I look up at him to meet his gaze again. His eyes are black as ever, but I find myself hoping I'd see some green. Some hope. Some love.

He cups my cheek gently, slowly inching in toward me. I freeze, not sure what to do. I want to kiss him so badly. Maybe that's true. But I don't want to make Sebastian confused. I don't want to make him think the wrong thing.

When his lips meet mine, it gets harder. Not just because of the desire. Because I don't know what's right or wrong. Come on. Think, Clary. It's either pushing him away or letting him kiss you.

 _When you love someone, you don't think, you feel. It's not what's in your brain. It's all about your heart._

I hear my own voice in the back of my head. So I do. I forget about Sebastian. I only know Jonathan right now. Jonathan, whom I'm sure is kissing me right now.

I tangle my fingers in his hair, trying to capture every second of the kiss. Trying to enjoy while I can. When I'm with Jonathan.

Surprised, he moves his hands down to my waist, pulling me closer against him. His tongue tug at my closed lips, asking for an entrance. I let him, not allowing any thoughts of Sebastian bother me.

The kiss grows more passionate, but I really don't care. All I want to do is to stop the time. I wish he'll stay like this forever.

I finally pull away, fear gathering in my brain. What am I afraid of? He leans his forehead against mine, his warm breath tickling my face.

"Shall I show you the rest of the cottage?" He asks quietly.

I nod, separating myself from him. I don't know if I've done the right thing or not. But I am absolutely sure that I don't regret it.

"Let me show you my room."

I follow him into a small room. And it resembles Jace's so much. The same IKEAish style, everything organized so neatly.

I try to imagine little Sebastian lying in the bed, sleeping soundlessly. Just like when he was drunk that night.

"Can I ask you something?" I ask, willing to do this while he's closer to Jonathan.

"What is it?"

"Look, I'm not stupid. I know something will happen on the winter solstice, and I want to know what and why."

"Nothing," he says, quietly.

I bite my lips, knowing that he's lying.

"Please don't make me find out myself. What happens on winter solstice, and what do I have to do with it?"

"You don't trust me, huh?"

"I do trust you... It's just that..."

I sigh, not knowing what to say.

"What, that you trust Jonathan, but not Sebastian?" he says, coldly.

I remain speechless, knowing that this is not the boy I just kissed a few minutes ago.

"Do you realize how stupid that sounds? It's always been me. It's always been Sebastian. There is no Jonathan. He's dead!" He looks furious, really furious. "Will you stop longing for the deceased? The Jonathan you love so much is dead. Just like the Herondale."

I inhale sharply, ignoring the throbbing pain. He's wrong. He's lying just like always.

"I am not Jekyll and Hyde. I'm Sebastian, and Sebastian only. It's me who injured you, it's me who slept beside you, it's me who you put me on the sofa, it's me who's yelling at you right now. And it's me who you kissed."

I shake my head, fooling myself into believing that he's wrong.

"Don't try to think of other excuses for your affection toward me," he says, gripping my shoulder tightly.

"I do not feel any attraction toward you," I state coldly.

"And here we go again. Don't you start talking about the damn Jonathan again. Maybe you should just die too. Maybe you should join them if you love them so much."

I gasp, clutching at my heart. I was an idiot. For believing that I love whoever it was that I kissed just a few minutes ago. And I do regret the kiss now. I was just wrong about everything.

I need to realize that the green eyed boy in my dream doesn't exist. That I wasn't kissing him.

"Of course, of course," I whisper through the thick layer of my tears.

Sebastian just stand there, clenching his jaws. I wonder if he would cry right now if he could. I wonder if this would be the time for him to cry if he has any tears in him. But as usual, he doesn't, proving me wrong.

"Can't you just... Love me for what I am right now? Can't you stop making up lies to yourself?" He asks, trying to calm himself down, but I can hear strained pain in his voice. "At least promise to try."

But do I really want to love him? The monster that destroys everything that comes to him? But I don't know the answer to that.

So I just collapse on the ground, curling myself into a ball. I sob out loud, grieving for another death. Another death of someone that never existed. I don't bother to figure out anything. I rock myself back and forth, trying to wash away the pain.

Broken. That's what we are. Two broken morning stars longing for something they'd never get.

 **I was just constantly sighing while writing this chapter. Everything is just so complicated... Hope you enjoyed, and thanks for reviewing.**


	18. Anywhere(2)

**Anywhere(2)**

"Hi, Clary. How was your summer?" Ms. Inkster asks.

"Good," I reply, sitting down at the table.

"Anything fun?"

"Well, I went to this waterpark for my birthday."

"Cool. So how did that... Friend thing work out?"

"Improving," I smile.

"That's good. Told you it'll be fine. Now, Clary. Since it's been quite long with our meeting, can I ask you something more... Serious?"

I gulp, but do nod.

"Can you tell me what really happened on that day?"

I bite my lip, wondering what to tell her.

"You can tell me anything, Clary."

"I thought I was being chased," I answer, taking a deep breath.

"By whom? Do you feel unsafe or threatened in the school property?"

"No, no. It's not that. I just... Thought I saw something."

"Saw what?"

"I don't remember it."

"Clary, you jumped off a railing. Now, I promise you that whatever you say in here stays in this very room."

"I thought," I sigh. "I thought someone was chasing me. But I was just being paranoid. He was just a normal student."

"May I ask who the student was?"

"I don't know him."

"Clary, have you ever experienced a loved one's death?" She asks carefully.

I swollow hard, debating whether to tell her the truth or the lie.

"I can help you go through it."

"Yes..." I say quietly.

"Is it okay if we talk about it?"

I turn my face away from her. Do I want to? Am I ready to talk about this to someone else. Maybe I'm falling behind. Maybe I am not letting him go just like Sebastian said. After all, it's been more than one and a half year. But it's too hard. Maybe I'm too broken to move on. To broken to be fixed.

"No, I really don't want to talk about it," I whisper, trying to hold my tears back.

"Okay, then. I won't pressure you into doing something you don't want."

"Ms. Inkster, I ask you something?"

"What is it?"

Taking a deep breath, I decide to talk about him.

"Well I just watched this movie a while ago, and it never leaves my mind. There's this girl who's in danger of being killed by this guy, but the thing is, the guy has multi personality disorder. Eventually, the girl falls in love with the guy's other side. It's kind of like Stockholm Syndrome, really. What do you think about it?"

"Hmm... Interesting movie," she says, frowning a little. "I don't know, what does the girl feel about the guy's killer side?"

"She hates that side. She's scared of his unpredictability, and anxious he'd hurt her."

"Does the guy love her back?"

"He always tell her how he loves her so much, and how they belong to each other, but the girl wonders if he can actually love."

"Doesn't he feel other emotions?"

"I think he does, but what kind of person treats a loved one like that?"

"I think he just doesn't know how to love."

"But isn't love more of on instinct?"

"Yes, but the way you express it can be hard for some people."

I think about the way he sent Drevak. How he told me that he did it to prove his love for me.

"So you think he can love?"

"If he feels other emotions, then yes. After all, I believe every emotions origin from love."

* * *

During lunch, I try my best to avoid Trey. To avoid an awkward situation. But somehow, I keep finding myself looking for his familiar face.

I locate him talking to a pretty brunette with Derek. I feel a pang of jealousy. Not in that way, but the fact that Derek and she can talk and laugh with him, but I can't. Derek catches me staring, and stand up, saying something to Trey.

He walks toward me, and all along, I feel Trey's gaze on me.

"Hey, you okay?"

"What do you think, Derek?"

"Right," he says, sitting beside me. "Did you find out anything more about the note?"

"No. I asked Sebastian about the winter solstice, and he got so mad. Do you think something will happen?"

"I don't know, but I think we need to focus on the fire first."

"There's someone else too involved. Lucas Ashtail. Sebastian talked about Lucas being the sacrifice to him. He told him that he needs trust."

"What sacrifice?"

"I don't know."

"Well, I know for sure that winter solstice is when the night is he longest."

"I bet everyone knows that, Derek," I sigh.

"No, but it's also when the demonic energy is the most powerful. Here must be some kind of ceremony Sebastian is planning for, and I bet Lucas is going to be the sacrifice."

"So what about the fire?"

"I'm pretty sure it's talking about the heavenly fire."

"Do you have some? I mean, you were an angel before."

" _Was_. I don't have it. Never had it."

"Well, there must be a reason my mom chose you. Also, can you please tell me where my mom was? How did she get hurt?"

He sighs, leaning back.

"I shouldn't tell you this."

"You need to."

"Okay, fine. She was in Edom."

"Edom? You mean, like hell?"

"Yes, she was looking for something."

"For what?"

"That, I don't know. But she sure looked desperate."

"But she's not a shadowhunter anymore."

"And so aren't you. But you're still trying to figure out the note, aren't you? It's all in your veins. You can't prentend to be someone you're not."

I bite my lips.

"Okay, maybe you're right. But we really don't have much time left, and we need to figure out about the fire."

Derek looks over my shoulder, staring at Trey. He is technically glaring at him, clenching his jaw.

"I don't think us, spending time together in school is going to make you and Trey better. I should be going."

I nod, understanding him. He stands up, heading back to Trey's table.

* * *

I brush my mom's hair back gently.

"Is she getting any better?" I ask Simon, not even bothering to look at him.

"I think so. Magnus said she'll live for sure."

I nod, relieved.

"Hey," he says, grabbing my hand. "She'll be fine. She looks better than the last time, doesn't she?"

I smile, looking up at him.

"You're still here. You're still Simon."

"Of course I'm still me."

"When you didn't call me, I was just so scared that you've changed. But you're still my bestfriend."

"And even if I change, I will always, always love you."

"Okay, doesn't your girlfriend get to join the small session of confessing loves?" Izzy interrupts, walking toward us.

"A little jealous, are we?" I ask, smiling.

"Nah, on the second thought, you're too small to be envied."

I laugh, standing on my tiptoes.

"Not just yet, shortie," she smiles that beautiful smile.

It's not too bad altogether. It's a shot of life.

* * *

I run across the field, letting out a laughter as he chases me. He tackles me on the ground, the texture of the grass brushing against my skin.

I pant loudly, trying to catch my breath as he hovers over me.

"You can't outrun me, Clary," he says, smiling widely.

"Well, I learn fast," I retort, staring into his green eyes.

"Too fast," he whispers, brushing a loose strand of my hair back.

"Huh?"

"Never mind," he says, smiling again.

"Can you get off me?"

"Why?"

"I need to catch my breath."

"But you don't need to," he smirks playfully.

I glare at him, but he leans into me. I gasp as his lips meet mine, moving slowly and sweetly...

I rub my eyes, sitting up. Letting out an exasperated breath, I cover my burning face with my hands. I hold back my tears, gripping the bedsheet. The hollow feeling in my stomach when the dream is over.

I close my eyes, trying to fall asleep again. I don't. Everytime I close my eyes, I can see Sebastian. No, Jonathan with green eyes. Groaning, I get up. I wish Jace would be here for me. To comfort me to sleep. The empty bed feels so cold and bare.

I slowly get out of the bed, walking across the room. I open the door of Sebastian's room quietly. He sits up abruptly even though I didn't make much noise.

"Clary?" He asks hoarsely.

His hair is tousled, his eyes a little misty. I think I like this Sebastian way better. The loose Sebastian with his guards down.

"I couldn't... I just couldn't sleep," I whisper.

"So you decided to sleep with me?" He smirks a little.

I narrow my eyes, slowly backing up a bit.

"No, come here," he says quietly.

I don't move an inch, remaining stiff. The truth is, I don't even know what I'm doing here. Just a little more than six months ago, I was scared of even sleeping in the same house as him. Now, I'm trying to find comfort with him.

"Come here, please."

I slowly walk toward him, climbing onto his bed. My heart is pounding so hard, I can't hear anything except for its beats.

Gently, he puts his arms around me. Not knowing what to do with my hands, I just rest them on the mattress, but I'm sinking into his embrace. His rhythmical breath tickles my face, but I don't mind.

Just like in my dreams, I think to myself. I am so happy that one of my dreams is coming true. I feel so safe, although in the morning, I would regret this. But does it matter? After all, my life is just made out of tiny little moments.

* * *

When I wake up, the first thing I register is white. White ceiling. Sebastian has his arm over my stomach, his face nuzzled against my collarbone. For the first time, my heart aches for him. The boy probably never got an affectionate embrace for someone. But I don't have time for this. I don't have time to pity him. After all, pity doesn't do anything.

However, I do wish he can stay like this forever. Sweet and gentle. _Vulnerable_. I wish he'd start whatever he's planning for the winter solstice.

When you just see him like this, you only see a boy who's hurt. Damaged, and needing affection.

He stirs a little when I remove his arm from my stomach. He open his eyes, looking up at me.

I can't help it anymore. I know I'll regret it as soon as the spell breaks. But I don't care. I grab the back of his neck fiercely, bringing his lips down on mine hard. Surprised, he tenses up for a moment, but soon kisses me back hungrily, closing his eyes. He rests his elbow on the bed, shifting his weight so he won't crush me. Our lips move against each other in a synch, perfectly as if we've practiced for this forever.

I realize that my hands are finding their way to his soft hair. Our legs are tangled with each other, wanting more and more contacts. He then, pulls his lips away from me, compensating by moving them down my throat. His mouth moves against my pulse, and I trace his jawline lightly with my fingers, moaning softly.

"Sebastian," I whisper, but he keeps quiet.

This is another new side of him. The confident, rigid, and sharp boy, now passionate and silent. I think I like it.

His lips slowly travel upward, kissing along my jawline and finally my mouth again. He flushes himself against me fully, allowing me to feel every inch of his body. I claw at the material of his shirt, slowly moving my fingers to the hem of his shirt. I carefully lift it up, but before I can finish, he pulls away and takes the clothing off.

Not even bothering to marvel at his beauty, I pull him back against me, kissing him more fiercely. I lead myself to believe that he's changed. I lead myself to believe that maybe he can love. Just like Ms. Inkster told me. Love. That's what I'm feeling, isn't it?

But, then, Sebastian pulls away from me.

"Clary," he whispers.

I reluctantly open my eyes to stare into his black eyes.

"Who are you kissing?" He asks.

I blink a few times, dazed.

"What?"

"Who are you thinking of me as?"

I knit my eyebrows together, unsure of what to say. To my surprise, I see pain in his eyes when I refuse to answer.

Inhaling sharply, he gets off me, and start walking out of the room.

"Wait, Sebastian."

He turns around to look at me.

 _I do believe you now. I do know that you are one person, and yourself only. But I still love you._

But the words never leave my throat. With a disappointed look, Sebastian continues to walk away from me.

Maybe I'm just still scared of him. Or maybe... Maybe I'm just scared of betrayal.

 **Only a few chapters to go now... I just want Clary to admit her love toward him so bad! Ugh. I guess it's inevitable for her to be scared, since she faced so many losses. Anyways, hope you liked this chapter and thanks for reviewing.**


	19. I Would Have Followed You(2)

**I Would Have Followed You(2)**

"It's snowing!" I murmer to myself as I discover the flakes falling down gracefully, opening the window wide open.

I don't know why, but snow always made me feel excited. I reach my hand outside and feel the white flakes melting against my skin. I smile widely.

"It's snowing, huh?" Sebastian says, walking toward me.

"Yeah. I'm going outside."

I grab my jacket and walk to the front door to put my boots on. Sebastian follows me, putting his own coat on.

"What are you doing?" I ask, narrowing my eyes.

"Putting my coat on."

I roll my eyes, opening the door. I gape at the amount of snow, reflecting off the morning sunlight.

"I didn't know you were so childish," Sebastian says behind me.

"Everyone loves snow," I defend myself.

"Whatever you say," he shrugs.

Ignoring his comment, I scoop up a large amount of snow, smearing it on Sebastian's face on my tiptoes.

He freezes instantly, then start pushing away. I laugh as he brushes the snow away. He stares at me during the process incredulously. He then, grabs my waist, hoisting me up and throwing me on his shoulder. I gasp, struggling against him. he starts jogging along the way.

"Keep still unless you don't want to fall down."

Groaning, I cling onto him as he gains speed.

"Slow down!"

He doesn't listen, and suddenly, he puts me down. No, he practically buries me in a pile of snow horizontally, making me scream. Coldness seep through my jacket and jeans, but I smile. I like being with him like this.

He laughs. He _laughs_. Sebastian Morgenstern laughs. I stare at him in shock. He stares right back at me. We stay like that for a while, him hovering over me, then I stand up, shaking off the snow.

"My clothes are all wet," I complain.

"That was my revenge."

"Just wait for mine."

"How scary. And how tall are you again?"

"I'm a redhead. Gotta be careful."

He smiles at my threat, slumping an arm over my shoulder. I flinch for a second, but soon melts into his embrace. We walk like that for a while. It's so easy to think of him as a normal boy when he's like this.

Throughout his stay, I've grown closer to him more than I would have liked to. But the fear remains. Only, it's different type of fear. At first, it was a fear for my life. Now, it is a fear for a betrayal.

Maybe he decided to stay like this forever. Maybe he decided to cancel whatever was planned on the winter solstice. Or maybe I'm being fooled once again. But you know what? I really don't care. I'm willing to risk a disappointment to feel this happiness. Yes, I'm happy.

"What are you thinking about?" He asks, stopping and turning me around so that I'm facing him.

"Nothing."

"Really?"

I nod.

"What about you?"

"My father, maybe. And perhaps my mother."

"What about them?"

"I don't know. It's just so weird to imagine Valentine kissing someone or going out with someone. To me, he was always the cold hearted person who never loved."

"It can be surprising how many different faces one person has."

Just like you, Sebastian.

"Do you think he ever felt sorry?"

I put my hand on his cheek.

"Look, what happened in the past is just the past."

"But they affect your future."

"Not if you won't let them," I whisper.

Not if I won't let them. But I keep making the same mistake over and over. I keep searching for Sebastian. I keep thinking about him, touch him, and talk to him. Although I've had enough consequences, I never learn. One moment I get lost, the next moment I'm with him.

"Stop thinking about it. Maybe you can find someone who can love you."

"As in?" He asks.

 _This is when you tell him that you love him, idiot_. But I don't. Too scared as always.

"No one knows," I answer instead.

* * *

ME:It's Christmas soon.

SEBASTIAN:So?

ME:So? We need to decorate.

SEBASTIAN:What for?

ME:Christmas.

SEBASTIAN:Why?

ME:Because.

SEBASTIAN:See? No reason.

ME:Yes reason. It's fun.

SEBASTIAN:No, it's not.

ME:You've never tried.

SEBASTIAN:I don't want to.

ME:Yes, you do.

SEBASTIAN:How would you know?

ME:Because I'm a redhead. We know stuffs.

And this is basically why we're here, shopping for decorations.

"Oh! I like that one!" I exclaim, pointing at a set of ornaments.

"Whatever you want."

"Come on, you need to choose too. Do you like the red one better, or the green one?"

"Just buy both."

"Wait, how about that one?"

"Choose a number."

"Um... Four."

"We're going with these two. Let's go now."

* * *

"Sebastian! Put that one over here!"

Sighing he hands me the ornament.

"Look, I'm going to make some hot chocolate, so please don't mess up with my tree," I tell him, walking into the kitchen.

When I am back a minute later, carrying two cups, I almost drop the drink.

"Sebastian!" I scream.

He looks over his shoulder, his hand halfway to the top of the tree.

"You do not put the star like that."

"And why not?"

"Star is like... Something important. We need to do it in the end."

He rolls his eyes.

"And who made that rule?"

"You want hot chocolate or not?"

"Fine," he says, putting the star back down.

I give him one of the cups, both of us taking a small sip.

"I wanna watch a movie."

"Which one?" He asks.

"You wouldn't know. You never watched one, remember?"

"I can tell a movie by its title."

"You know what they say, Sebastian. Never judge a book by its cover."

"This isn't a book."

"You just, ugh," I let out an exasperated breath. "How about Home Alone? That's what everyone watches."

"Is that a horror movie?"

I almost laugh at this. Home Alone? Horror?

"Well, there are a lot of injuries..." I decide to play with this a little. "And there's this little boy who's left home all alone."

"Okay, I'll try it."

I hold back an evil smirk.

* * *

"Clary," Sebastian hisses. "What the hell is this movie?"

"Oh, come on. It's funny-"

"If you wanted funny, you could have asked me."

"Please, you're not funny."

"I can be if I wanted to."

"Then, say something funny right now," I demand, crossing my arms.

Sebastian pauses for a moment.

"I don't want to, so I won't."

"Are you going to watch this or not?"

He hesitates for a few seconds.

"Fine, I'll watch it."

A smile creeps on my lips.

"So you like it."

"I don't."

"Then don't watch it."

He narrows his eyes a little. Then, he leans back on the couch, pressing the resume button.

My phone buzzes for a second, and I realize that Derek just texted me.

 _(Five days until the dance party.)_

I sigh, looking at Sebastian. He's smirking at the movie. What am I going to do with him?

* * *

I walk outside the Institute, clutching the coat against me tight, trying to block out the cold winter air. When I'm taking a turn in a corner, I freeze.

A familiar smell. A familiar smell that brings out a bad memory. One of Ediolon.

I quickly look around me. A few people walking on the street. One of them might be a demon. And I bet it can smell me. Calming myself down, I study each people. Not the woman carrying a baby probably. Then, that girl over there? No, I don't think so. I look at the guy with light brown hair.

He's staring at me, a smirk on his mouth. He's the one, I'm sure. Not knowing what to do, I stay still frozen. If I run, it's definitely going to outrun me. I watch his next move. He approaches me slowly. I gulp, trying to take a step back, but I can't. My feet are frozen.

While he continues walking toward me, I get my phone out. If I can call Izzy...

"Don't worry, I'm not going to kill you," he says, looking at my phone.

"Of course you're not," I try to sound brave, but I can't restrain the fear in my voice.

"I was sent by someone."

"Who?" I ask, clutching the phone more tightly, my thumb hovering over the call button.

"I think you know."

"Sebastian?" I ask, hoping he'd say no.

"Lucas, actually."

"What did he want?"

"Like I said, I can't kill you. I was ordered not to."

I think about the very first demon I've met. It was ordered not to kill me either, but it tried anyways.

"Why did he send you?"

"He wanted me to tell you something. But now, I think I'll tell you what _I_ know."

"About... About what?"

"The ceremony."

I frown, waiting for him to continue.

"The winter solstice. Wait for then, and the world will be made new by him."

"Him?" I ask in a shaky voice.

Surely, he must not be talking about...

"Sebastian. And Lucas, of course."

"How do you know this?"

"Every demons do."

"What... Happens during the ceremony?"

He tilts his head, smirking.

"Ask your brother. He's the one who's planning the whole thing, anyways."

"You're lying," I accuse. "You're lying. That's what most demons do."

"I'm telling the truth."

He suddenly takes a whiff of the air. He grins at me, and maybe I know what this means.

I hit his head with the edge of my phone, and while he grabs his head, stumbling backward, I run as fast as I can toward the Institute.

I hit the call button, and she answers it pretty fast.

"Clary? What's wrong?"

I hesitate for a moment, finally wondering what would happen if I tell her that a demon's chasing me. Izzy can easily handle this demon. But... But if she does get hurt, it'd be all my fault.

"Clary? Are you okay? Talk to me."

"Um..." I say, panting loudly, as I depend on my legs for my life.

Then, I let out an involuntary scream, dropping the phone on the ground. The demon wraps his arm around my neck from behind me, pulling me toward him. I look around the street, coughing, wondering if anyone can see this. No. No one notices.

My head on his shoulder, I try to get some air through my windpipe.

"How does it feel like to be suffocating?" He asks, poison laced in his voice.

Am I going to die like this? Or is Izzy going to come for me?

"Don't worry, I'm sure Sebastian can find another one."

"What... Are you talking about?" I hiss.

But he doesn't answer. His grip loosens on me, falling onto the ground.

"Iz?" I ask, rubbing my neck.

"Are you okay?" She asks worriedly.

I nod. But I'm not emotionally. Of course I didn't change Sebastian. I was only one of the stupid girls, thinking they can change a boy.

Sighing, she hugs me tightly.

"You should probably carry around some seraph blades," she tells me.

I shrug. The only thing I can think of is Sebastian. Am I fooled again?

 **I know that this chapter might be boring, but I had to do this... So this story is really close to the end-considering Clary has only a few days left until winter solstice-and I don't want to rush it. So anyways, hope you enjoyed, and thanks for reviewing.**


	20. And I Will Swallow My Pride

**And I Will Swallow My Pride**

"Your mom better?" He asks, slouching against the kitchen counter.

I shrug my jacket off, nodding.

"Is something wrong?"

I look up at him, swallowing.

"I know what you were up to this whole time. I know that you're going to destroy the world on the winter solstice."

"What are you-"

"I know that you will be sitting on your precious throne on the Christmas. The day we've decorated for."

"Clary, whoever told you that-"

"Don't call me that. I'm Clarissa to you, aren't I?"

"Don't believe that lie."

"So you are telling me that it's wrong? You're telling me that nothing will happen on that day?"

"I've been planning for it, yes. That's why I came to you."

"You said you were looking for a shelter. Not that I believed it."

"I decided to stop. I decided to cancel the ceremony. I won't do it."

"Liar! Prove it."

"Can't you please trust me?"

"I did trust you! But now, I just can't believe-"

"But how was I supposed to tell you? You were finally starting to trust me, and should I ruin it by telling you that I was going to burn down the world?" He exclaims, unattatching himself from the counter.

"Well, too bad. You just ruined us."

"Clary-"

" _Clarissa_. I'm your sister, and I'm so over you."

"Give me one more chance."

"If you were the one who told me, not that demon, I would have. But how am I supposed to know that you're not lying this time?" I ask, this time more softly. "Were you really thinking of our parent when we were walking together yesterday? Or were you just thinking about the ways to kill me?"

"I would never kill you. I love you."

I shake my head, finally allowing the tears to fall down. Tears of betrayal, hurt, and anger.

"Please. I swear I wouldn't let you down again."

"I need to know what you were planning."

"Lucas and I," he inhales sharply. "We were trying to create a demon."

"Create a demon?"

"The most powerful one. It said in the prophet that the second it's born, the world will be crumbled down by the evil. The evil. Me and Lucas."

"And?"

"The demon was supposed to be beautiful, but as sinful as Lucifer. Do you get it?"

"Me. And you. The last Morgensterns," I whisper.

"And the fresh blood of a devoted and young Nephilim."

"Lucas."

"Yes. On the day when then the darkness is the strongest. Winter solstice."

I close my eyes, wondering if he was telling the truth when he said he won't do it.

"Do you believe me?"

"I think I need more time."

"I do love you, you know."

"I want some time to think."

He nods understandingly. Only, he doesn't. He doesn't understand how I feel right now.

* * *

Should I trust him? Should I believe the fact that nothing will happen in the dance party?

I grab my phone to text Derk, but stop. I want to be the only one knowing this for now. Not that I don't trust Derek, but I just need to think of it by myself right now.

But then again, he told me about the plan, didn't he? Doesn't that give him one more chance? I just don't know what to believe anymore.

"Clary? Hey! Earth to Clary," Izzy says.

I snap out of my own thoughts, concentrating on Izzy and the dress she's holding.

"What do you think?"

"Izzy."

"What?"

"That is so not me."

"It's a dance party, Clary."

"And I don't even know if I'm going or not!"

"Of course you're going."

But would you say the same thing after I tell you Sebastian is going to be there too?

"Can't I just choose my own dress?"

"But look at this! It's fabulous."

"On you. I'm just going to wear what I already have."

"You mean that old, weird dress? No way!"

"Yes way."

"Fine, be that way," she pouts childishly, crossing her long arms across her chest.

"I'm serious, Izzy. I love that dress. I'll even let you do my make up."

"You got me," Izzy smiles putting the dress back in its place.

She is just so easy to convince sometimes.

Then, I see him. Walking with the same brunette he talks to everyday. She's very pretty, but not the slutty pretty. The natural pretty with little makeup on. She stops in front of some dresses, picking out one of them and showing it to Trey. He nods approvingly, smiling. And the smile seems so genuine, it hurts.

Wait, I should be happy that he moved on. I shouldn't be so selfish.

"Who's that? Do you know him?" Izzy asks.

"Um, yeah. He used to be my... Friend."

"Used to be?"

"We kind of had a fight, and yeah."

"Go talk to him!"

"What?"

"Go talk to him and apologize for whatever you did."

"And why should I?"

"Because he was your friend. Still your friend."

"I don't know. He's really mad at me."

"Trust me, go talk to him. Who knows? Maybe he's waiting for you to say something first."

I consider this for a second. Could he be missing me too? So I slowly walk toward him. The brunette notices me first.

"Hello. Do I know you?" She asks.

Even her voice is sweet.

Trey's head snaps up, meeting my gaze.

"Um... I'm Trey's friend."

"Trey? Do you know her?"

"No," he says coldly, his gaze unmoving. "I have know idea who she is."

"But she knows your name, though," she points it out.

"Maybe she just overheard you. Come on, let's go," he says, dragging the girl away from me.

Suddenly, a shot of courage bursts through my veins.

"Wait, Trey!"

He stops walking, but doesn't turn around.

"I don't think we should be like this anymore. I miss you, and I really need a friend."

"I don't know who the hell you are, so can you stop talking to me?"

I feel my heart breaking into million pieces.

"Trey, please," I walk over to him. "Talk to me."

"Can you be any more selfish? So, what? You needed a boyfriend, so you used me. Now you need a friend, so you're talking to me. What about me? Don't I deserve a life? My life doesn't evolve around yours!" He exclaims, turning around to face me.

The girl looks a little startled.

"You're right. I'm so sorry. I don't deserve you as a friend. But I know that there will be better ways for us! And I know that this isn't what we want."

"This is what I want. So please fuck off, will you?"

"Trey, can we just talk to each other sometimes? I just can't stand watching you-"

"Are you really that stupid, Clary? Can't you even think? I love you! I fucking love you, but I can't! Stop only thinking about yourself, and put yourself in my shoes. Let me go. Let me write my own life."

I back off a little.

"You're right, Trey. I'm so sorry."

"Leave, Clary."

I nod.

"I'll leave now."

"And never come to me again."

"I won't," I say, swallowing my tears.

* * *

I am so tired of this now. I'm tired of humanity. The inevitability of hurting each other.

And I know that I caused all this. How can I be so selfish? Forget about Trey now. Leave him alone. Let him go. Stop hurting him.

I think about Sebastian. I think of what to do with him. Should I believe him? Or should I just stop being so stupid like before?

So much hatred. So many scars and lies. Maybe I'll try with what I can. Maybe I'll love as much as I can. And I don't care if he hurts me again. It goes round and round. I hurt Trey, and Sebastian hurts me. It's the circle of humanity. It's inevitable. We can't change it. So why not be happy, trying to escape the circle?

* * *

 **SEBASTIAN'S POV**

I know I should have told her. I know it. And Lucas ruined it all. I was happy with Clary. She seemed to trust me, and maybe... Sometimes I just wonder if she actually feel affection toward me. Or maybe it's just my shadow. The shadow of the dead boy.

It hurts. It's like a girl is kissing me just because I remind her of someone she loves. But I do love her. I just don't know how to prove it. Or maybe I should stop trying to prove it.

I wish she would give me one more chance. One more chance to make it alright. One more talk, one more hug, one more kiss. It hurts to watch her, knowing that she's scared of me. She doesn't need to be. I love her. I'm sure of that.

I look at her through the small gap made by the slightly opened door. She's lying down on her bed, staring at the ceiling absentmindedly. I wonder what she is thinking about. Probably about what to do. What to say to me.

Forgive me, Clary. Believe me when I say I love you.

 **I know this chapter was very short... I promise next chapter will be much longer than this. Hope you enjoyed.**


	21. You're the One That I Love

**You're the One That I Love**

"Jonathan?" I hiss. "Is that you?"

"Clary... Help..."

I look around the darkness frantically. I don't see anyone.

"Jonathan, where are you? I can't see you!"

"I'm right here, Clary. Right here."

"Where?"

"Look more carefully."

But there's only darkness. I try to follow his voice, but it seems to be everywhere. It's so confusing. Where am I, and how did I get here?

"Clary? Are you still there?"

I try to tell him that I'm still here, but no voice comes out from my throat.

"Clary! Don't leave me alone! Please come back!"

 _I'm right here, Jonathan. I won't leave you._

"No!" I hear him sobbing. "Please, no..."

His voice fades into just an echo. I reach beneath me to feel along the floor, but suddenly, I don't feel anything. Am I floating in the air? But just as the thought hits, I fall.

A cold bead of sweat rolls down my forehead. I blink a few times, thinking about Sebastian. Should I go talk to him? Or should I just stay here for the sake of my already broken heart?

I look at the blue and white dress placed neatly on the bed beside me. I don't think he'll hurt me tonight. I don't think he lied when he said he canceled the plan. But I still think he'll break my heart sooner or later.

Burying my face in the pillow, I try to chase the thought of him away. But I can't. I miss him already. I miss the boy who laughed with me. Who talked with me and watched Home Alone with me. Who I kissed. I want to kiss that boy again so bad, but I also don't want to. I want to kiss the boy with green eyes. The boy in my dream.

But what if Sebastian is right? What if that boy doesn't exist at all? What if it was just all Sebastian? But does it matter? Because from what I know, I do love someone. I just don't know who that _someone_ is.

Or maybe I do. Maybe I just don't want to admit it.

Shaking my head, I get up. No time for this. Gotta find out what the fire means. But then again, Sebastian told me his plan, and... What's the use of everything now?

I stumble for my phone, quickly calling Ms. Inkster.

"Clary? Everything okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry for calling you so early. I just... Continued watching the movie I was talking about? Well, the guy told the girl about his plan that involves many people's death, and he told her that he would cancel it because he loves her, but she doesn't know whether to believe him or not."

"Wait, why can't the girl believe him?"

"Because he's... Evil. And manipulative."

"Everything in the world is manipulative, Clary. The woman that you call mom might not be her, and pretending to be so she can get to kill you when you reach twenty."

"What? How many movies have you watched?"

"Okay, maybe I went a little far with that. But then think about this. How do you trust me?"

"Because you are the school psychologist!"

"That's true, I mean it and don't get me wrong. But I could have just killed the real one and giving you bad advices to ruin your life. You can't trust anyone, Clary. Theoretically, you can't even go outside, or eat something that you didn't make, or even wear new clothes. But you do all that, don't you?"

I remain silent, not sure what she's trying to tell me.

"Heartbreak is inevitable, Clary. No one escapes it. It's just whether you can fight it or not. I think she is brave enough to face it. And so are you and me."

"I think I know what you're talking about."

"Good. Now can _I_ ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Is there really a movie? I know what I just told you, but I just want to be sure a cop or two are outside your house."

"Yes, it is just a movie."

"Look, if you need some help, don't be afraid to ask for it. And be safe, okay?"

"I said it's just a movie!"

"I know, I know," she laughs.

Hanging up, I run into his room. He wakes up, even though I tried my best not to make any noise.

"Breakfast already?" He asks, sitting up.

"No. How about we go to Taki's?"

"We as in... You and me?"

I nod, tossing him some clothes.

"Be out in five."

I rush outside, closing the door behind me and leaning against it. Did I make the right choice? For now, I think. For now.

* * *

I wrap my jacket around me more tightly while sipping my coffee. It's a little cold in here. Sebastian and I haven't talked at all, and it's really awkward.

"So... You liking your sandwich?" He asks, breaking the silence.

I nod.

"You?" I ask after a pause.

"Pretty good."

We go back into the silent mode. His eyes are on his coffee, tapping the cup unconsciously.

"Look, I just wanted to tell you that I..." I don't continue. Can't.

"You what?"

"Trust you," I say.

An emotion flashes in his eyes, but disappears soon. But what emotion, I can't tell.

"Okay. That's good."

"More like, I decided to trust you. Because it won't do any good even if I don't."

Nodding, he takes another bite of his sandwich.

"Aren't you happy?"

"Of course I am," he says, but not convincingly. "I am happy that you trust me."

"Decided to," I correct him.

Smiling, he reaches out to grab my hand.

"I don't see the difference."

I narrow my eyes, but don't pull my hands away. It's good to hold his hand again.

I think... You might be the one I'm in love with. Just _might_ be...

* * *

"Clary! You're here!" Izzy exclaims.

"Of course I am..." I mumble.

"Here. Come this ways. I already thought of your makeup. Come on, we don't have much time left."

"We have like four hours, Iz."

"Just come, will you?"

Sighing, I follow her.

"Just please don't make me look like a slut or an idiot."

"Do I look like a slut or an idiot to you?" She asks, motion at her face.

"No, but that's just your thing. I don't go along with makeups."

"Trust me, you're going to look great."

She sits me down on a chair, fussing with my face and my hair. And it takes _hours_ for her to finish. When she's done, she lets me look in the mirror. I have to admit, I actually look better than I imagined. I thought she would change my entire face, but no, I'm still Clary, the girl who draws and reads for fun. Not pretty or something, but more striking and noticeable. But there's no way in the hell I'm telling that to Izzy.

"Great, I just figured out that there's know way for me to be pretty."

"Oh, come on, Clary. You know you look great."

"I do not."

She raises an eyebrow.

"Fine. Maybe a little better."

"I knew it! Now put on that dress so I can see how it goes along with your makeup."

Rolling my eyes, I put them on carefully, not to ruin my hair.

"Perfect, perfect, perfect," she says, eyeing my blue and white dress that reaches my mid-thigh.

"You said it's old and weird."

"That's what's called not-really-knowing-but-saying-it-anyways-because-you-want-to, darling. Come on, let's go to the party now."

"Iz, you're not coming with me, remember?"

"Oh, right..." She sighs. "Just tell me what the boys thought of your makeup, okay?"

Rolling my eyes, I stand up.

"It's just a small party, Iz."

"A lot happens in a small party."

"Was that supposed to be prophetic?"

"Just go and have some fun, okay?"

Smiling, I nod. But I can't chase away the nervousness.

* * *

The room is crowded, and I can't find anyone I'm close with. Or Sebastian. Careful not to spill anyone's drink, I slowly proceed to the corner of the room.

A sudden though occurs. Why am I here? Maybe I should just go back.

"Clary?" Someone taps me on my shoulder.

I turn around, finding Derek.

"Hey! It's so good to see you! I mean, I just didn't know anyone, and I'm just glad that you- okay, I'll stop rambling."

"Okay, good. I just thought you might want to know that... Sebastian is here."

"I know that."

"And... Today is the winter solstice."

"I realize that too. But Derek, listen. You don't have to worry about it. I just know it, okay?"

"But-"

"I'm serious. Just forget about the note. Trust me, everything's going to be okay."

"How do you know this, though?"

"I just do."

He nods silently.

"Good. Now let's just go for a dance," I say, dragging him to the dance floor.

I put my hands on his shoulder while his rests on my waist.

"Listen to me, okay?" I hiss, my voice low. "I'll tell you what's going on, so pretend to be lost in the music."

He nods slightly.

"He-Sebastian-was planning to make a demon. The strongest one that can take down the world. He needed me and Lucas for the ceremony. It's supposed to happen today, but Sebastian told me that he canceled it. He won't do it again. Because he loves me."

"Demons don't-"

"Shh! Keep your head and your voice down, okay?"

"Sorry," he murmers, lowering his head.

"I think he does."

"How do you trust him?"

"I don't! God, how can I? But I have to, Derek. I have to, so I will."

"Why do you have to?"

"Because... Because... It's complicated."

"Every inch of this is complication," he sighs.

"I think... I think..." I might be in love with him.

"You think what?"

"Never mind."

"Is there more to the story?" He asks.

"No. You know all of it. Do you believe me when I say nothing is going to happen tonight?"

"Fine. But don't let your guards down."

"Derek-"

"I think... We should stop dancing if you said all you wanted to say."

"Why? Is Trey...?"

"Yes, but also your brother."

I flinch at the venom in his voice. I can't blame him, though.

"Where are they?"

"Trey to your left, and _he_ is behind you."

Nodding, I pull away from him.

"Everything's going to be fine."

"I know... Just be careful still, okay?"

Smiling, I begin walking to Sebastian. I see him, grinning faintly. When I'm sure Derek can't see me anymore, I start talking to him.

"You're here," I say, although I knew he'd be.

"I am."

"How did you-"

"A little bit of glamour, I guess."

"You weren't lying when you said... You canceled it, right?"

"Of course I wasnt. Can I have this dance?"

I nod, smiling. I believe him. I do.

 **Do you believe Sebastian? Clary does, for sure. I'm really nervous for some reason about ending this story. I have the next chapter and the epilogue written out, and... Well... Yeah... Hope you liked this chapter, and I'll update again really, really soon!**


	22. And I'm Saying Goodbye

**And I'm Saying Goodbye**

I melt into his warm embrace, drowning in the music.

"Clary," Sebastian whispers against my ear. "I love you."

I look into his eyes, wondering if he realizes that he's changed too. Wondering if he wants to kiss me right now. I stand on my tiptoes, my lips nearing his. The roar of the music and my own blood consumes me, making me move closer.

Sebastian grabs my waist, slamming his lips down on mine. Reflexively, I close my eyes, knotting my hands in his hair. Trey could be watching... Derek could be watching... But I really don't care.

His hand reaches the hem of my dress, slowly hitching it up.

"Maybe not right now," I whisper against his lips anyways.

He nods, pulling slightly away from me.

"You're not afraid of me, right?"

"Of course I'm not. I trust you."

"I'll stay with you the whole time, okay?"

I smile, resting my head against his shoulder. I made the right decision, right? I love him, and he loves me. So there's no problem.

"Okay."

"Did Isabelle did your makeup? I'm starting to like her," he murmers quietly.

"Well, I'm glad I don't look stupid."

"You don't. You look like you."

"Sometimes, I wonder... When did you start loving me? For real?"

"You don't doubt my love, right? I really do love you."

"That's not what I meant. I was talking about when you started loving me for real. Either as a brother or a lover."

"Everyone loves, Clary. Even demons. They just don't know how to show it. People are selfish, so they want to leave a mark of their love. That's what I was trying to do. Prove it to you."

"You mean you loved me from the start?"

"The first time we met, in Idris, I thought I did. But I'm beginning to think that there was never a start. I just love you, and I know it every seconds. There was never a start."

"I don't understand."

"You will, soon."

"I don't want to. I just want to dance."

"Do you want some drink?" He asks, pulling slightly away from me.

I nod.

"Let me get you some."

"I'll go with you."

"No, stay here. You might get lost in this kind of crowd."

I watch him leave, walking through the crowd gracefully.

I don't know if I already am in love with him, but I know one thing for sure. If not, I'm very dangerously close to falling for him. I know it's wrong. He's Sebastian. But he must've changed. Even the way he talks, the way he eats, the way he holds himself.

Just then, someone bumps into me.

"Oh, I'm really sorry, I just-" he stops, looking at my face for the first time.

"Trey," I acknowledge him carefully.

"Clary," he replies, his shoulders stiffened up. "I'm sorry."

He turns to leave, but stops in the last moment.

"I saw you dancing with him."

"What?" I sputter.

Didn't Sebastian tell me that he used glamour?

"Noel. I guess you really lied to me when you said you actually care about me, huh?"

"Trey, I didn't-"

"Don't. We're not together anyways. I just wanted to make it clear that I won't get fooled by your innocence anymore."

"Wait, Trey! I know that I made a really big mistake, but you don't get to say those things about me!"

"Oh, so I'm the bad guy now?"

"Everyone makes mistake!"

"But they don't beg for forgiveness and try to escape the consequences."

"I'm not trying to escape-"

"Then stop talking to me! We're over, and I don't want to see you anymore."

"Trey," Derek interrupts, walking toward us. "You can stop now."

"I'm the one who stopped. She's the one who didn't."

"Just go outside for some fresh air. It's really hot in here."

Trey glares at him for a second, but leaves to my surprise.

"Look, I know that you don't want to lose him, but you really need to let him go."

"I just wanted to be friends-"

"He still loves you, Clary. Don't you get it? He doesn't want to see you anymore because you hurt him when he does."

"I love him."

"I know you do. But you need to say goodbye to people you love sometimes."

I know he's hinking about the girl he loves.

"Was it hard?"

"Very. But sometimes, you can smile over the memories, not cry."

"I don't think that can happen to me. I mean, you've had like what. Hundreds years to get over her, and I'm not immortal like you."

"A, I'm not that old. It's been only eighty four years since I've fallen. B, you will, I promise. I should go back to Trey now. Have fun, and call me when you need me."

I nod, watching him walk away. Then, I realize that Sebastian is still not back. Maybe he just got lost. But as minutes pass, I get nervous. Did something happen? He didn't... No, of course he didn't do anything. Have a little faith in him, Clary.

I decide to start looking for him. When I can't find him anywhere inside, I start to wonder if he's somewhere else in the school. So I get out of he room, walking around the school.

"You promised! You fucking promised!" Says a hushed whisper.

Lucas. I follow his voice down the school corridor to a storage area. The door is closed, and I'm pretty sure it's locked, although I have no intention to open it.

"Things happen, okay? I'm sorry that this had to happen-"

"No, you are going to perform the ceremony with your dear sister before I contact the Clave."

"Lucas-"

Then, I hear a yelp. Surprised, I bang on the door, screaming Sebastian's name. The door opens quickly, revealing Sebastian and Lucas.

"Clarissa," Sebastian smirks, holding his arm carefully.

Then, I see demon ichor dripping down Lucas's blade. No, no he didn't.

"Sebastian?" I ask carefully.

"Shall we start?" Lucas asks him.

I start backing away from them.

"Oh, come on, sister. You're not afraid of your own brother, are you?" He slowly approaches me with a smirk on his lips.

And that's when I start running. I run my way back to the room full of crowd. The people in there will slow them down. Pushing people out of my way, I proceed to the back door that Sebastian probably doesn't know that it exists.

Tears run down my face. It hurts just to think of him. I guess there's nothing such as a happily ever after.

I see that they've catched up on me, so I push a table behind me, spilling the plastic cups and the drink. People start screaming loudly, but I have no time to think of them.

When I finally reach the door, I open it quickly, running as fast as I can. I throw my heels away, shivering in the cold as my feet sink into the snow. Sebastian comes out right behind me, looking as steady as ever. But I'm not. I'm exhausted, breathing loudly.

He lunges himself toward me, pinning me against the snow. I gasp, trying to get him off me, but he's too heavy and strong.

"Sebastian, please," I beg, hot tears running down my cold cheeks.

"Please what, Clarissa?" He asks, smirking.

Lucas, running toward us, throws a blade at Sebastian and he catches it.

"Don't worry, this will be fast," he whispers. "After this, you'll be the most powerful demon ever. You'll rule by my side, sister."

"You don't want to do this. Lucas poisoned you with more demon blood. You love me, don't you?"

"Of course I do. That's why I'm doing this. Lucas," he orders.

Then, to my surprise, Lucas plunges his blade into his heart, letting the scarlet liquid pour on the white snow. Why?

"What-"

"He'll live, as soon as we finish this."

"Sebastian, listen. This is not you. Do you hear me?"

"Don't be scared. This will be over soon."

He brings down his blade toward me face, but I tilt my head, dodging it. I throw a punch on his mouth, but he doesn't move. Dark blood drips from his lips and onto my face.

I dig my nails into his flesh, making him yelp in pain. But still no.

"Stop moving!" He hisses.

I grab his arm with the blade, fighting back.

"Sebastian," I cry out. "Please stop! You're not going to do this! You love me, remember? Remember when we watched Home Alone together?"

His eyes go wild, scaring me. I don't know if this is working, or if it's affecting it badly.

"Please. Listen to me. We don't hurt each other. We protect each other."

"I am protecting you!"

"Sebastian, please. I know you're still here with me. I won't give up on you."

I can see his grip on the blade loosening a bit.

"You don't have to do this. You don't need to burn down the world. We can have a happy ending without it."

Just then, the door to the cafeteria opens with Derek standing there with a sword.

"Clary!" He yells, running toward me.

Sebastian growls, trying to plunge the blade into my heart. But Derek pushes him off me, tackling him onto the ground.

"Derek, it's no use! He won't die!" I scream, scrambling up to my feet.

Sebastian swings his blade randomly, landing on Derek's shoulder. I gasp. Derek gasps. Sebastian gasps.

"Derek..." I whisper.

Fire-yes, fire-comes out of his wound.

Sebastian flinches away from him, pushing Derek off him. Derek grabs his sword more tightly, standing up.

"So angel boy does have some fire, huh?" He asks, breathing roughly.

Sebastian tries to remain calm, but I can see anxiety in his eyes. Just then, he lunges onto me, my head hitting the ground hard. Derek runs toward me, but Sebastian throws one of his blade at him, it landing on his stomach.

"Derek?" I scream. "Derek!"

He doesn't answer, collapsing on the ground. Although I know that he won't die, it feels devastating to know that no one will fight with you anymore.

"So how shall we do this, dear sister? You choose."

Tears streaming down my face, I just keep shaking my head.

"It's okay. Don't cry. You will be happy with me, I promise."

"Sebastian, please don't do this."

Then, I see it on the corner of my eyes. Derek moving slightly. He blinks a few times, his hand hovering over his sword.

"We can rule the world, Clarissa."

Derek places the tip of the weapon on his wound.

"You can have whatever you want."

He reaches out to hand me the sword, and I grab it, careful to keep my eyes fixed on Sebastian's.

"Power. And me."

Derek gives me a look that says _continue_.

But I don't. I can't. Because I'm too selfish. I don't want him to die. And because of me, he world will burn down to ashes. Please notice the sword in my hand, Sebastian. Notice it so it won't be my fault that the world has come to its end. So I won't feel any guilt as you sit on your throne. But he doesn't. And I need to do it.

Derek frowns, probably wondering why I'm not stabbing Sebastian already.

I slowly shake my head.

"And you will be my queen, ruling beside me. I don't care about Lucas. I never did. Only you and me. I planned this whole thing for you."

My hand let go of the sword. Surely, if I die, I would not go to heaven. I caused the end of the world.

"Sebastian, you don't have to do this," I try for the last time. "You will still have me even if you stop this. Please don't."

"Shh, this will be over soon. Close your eyes, dear sister. I love you and I-" he suddenly gasps, dropping the blade on the snow,

"Sebastian?" I whisper as flame consumes his body.

Derek stands over his body, the sword in his hand.

"Clary, are you okay?" He asks, but I don't give him an inch of attention.

"Sebastian!" I scream, falling down on my knees beside him.

The fire possesses his body, and all I'm doing is watching in horror. I choke his name, trying to wake up and escape from this nightmare.

Surely, this can't be true. But how do you explain the limp body of his, lying on the thick snow?

My hand search for his face as the fire dies out.

"Sebastian?" I ask, not bothering to wipe the tears on my face.

"Clary," he replies hoarsely.

Green. His eyes are green just like mine. Just like in the dreams. But he doesn't hug me. He doesn't kiss me. He doesn't laugh.

"You're going to be fine," I whisper.

"I know, Clary," he says, inhaling shakily.

"You're going to live. I know you can."

"Of course, I will. I love you, don't I?"

I sob louder at this. How I finally realized this. It wasn't Sebastian or Jonathan. It was Sebastian and Jonathan. It was all in his heart. All along, he loved me. He just didn't know how to express it. And I just realized it. Just when he's lying on the ground.

"You love me... Demons..." I gasp. "Demons don't love. You had Nephilim blood in your veins that made you love. You have enough of good in you."

He doesn't answer, but I can see tears shining in his eyes.

"Shh, don't cry. Why cry when you are going to be so happy now?" I soothe him, brushing my hair back.

But I know that I am crying the most myself.

I bring his head on my lap, kissing his forehead.

"I love you," I finally say it. "I love you so much. I loved you all along. Eye color doesn't matter. I love the intelligent you, I love the broken you, I love the loosened you, I love the caring you, I love every single forms of you. And even if you turn into a complete demon, I'll still love you."

"Clary," he whispers, caressing my hand that's resting on his cheek.

"You're going to live, Sebastian."

"Jonathan. That's my name."

"Jonathan. You're going to live. I know that you have enough good in you to feel all the emotions."

"Maybe I can," he says.

"Of course you can. I know it. Trust me."

His breathing becomes more labored, and I begin to panic. No, have faith in him. He can do this. I know he can.

"I think... I think even if I die-"

"You're not going to die," I say stubbornly.

"If I die, I will never regret loving you. I will never regret dying like this because I loved you. I will die thousand times if that's what it takes."

"Don't talk like that," I shake my head. "Why won't you believe me?"

"I do, Clary. I do."

"As soon as you start feeling better, how about we go to Taki's? I just really want to grab some coffee."

He nods, smiling.

"And then... Then, we can play in the snow a bit. I know it sounds immature, but I really want to do it. I'm going to totally beat you with my snowball skills."

"And then, we can make ourselves some hot chocolate?"

"Yes," I smile at the thought. "That sounds wonderful."

"With marshmallows."

"With marshmallows. And then... Then..." My voice breaks into pieces. "I want that. I want that so bad."

"We're going to have it. I swear we will."

I nod fiercely, grabbing at his face.

"Tell me when you start feeling better, okay?"

"I already am feeling better."

"Good, good. You ready to go to Taki's?"

He just smiles up at me.

"Are you?" I ask again.

He nods slowly.

"I love you so much," he says, breathing in and out. In and out. In and out.

I bury my face in the crook of his neck, the salty liquid streaming down his skin. I inhale his scent deeply.

"Promise to try, will you?" I beg, ignoring all my previous comments.

"Of course, I will."

"Promise me."

"Okay."

"For real?"

"I promise."

 **Only epilogue is left now... Please don't kill me though. Hope you enjoyed...?**


	23. Say Something (Epilogue)

**Say Something...**

"Ooh! Pringles!" He yells, running toward me and knocking me down on the sofa.

"Ouch," I say, but smiling.

He lunges himself on me, his elbows supporting him up so he won't crush me.

"Give me the Pringles! Or I'll..."

"You'll what?"

"Tickle you?"

"Are you asking me?"

"Are you ticklish?"

"No," I lie swiftly.

"I'll kiss you if you give me one?"

"Oh my god. Do you honestly think that I'd choose you over my babies?"

"Your babies?" He ask, acting shocked dramatically. "Who's the father?"

"I think it's finally time for you to meet Mr. Pringles."

He laughs at this name, his eyes shining bright.

"How dare him? I'll eat him up," he says, reaching for my Pringles.

I cover my precious Pringles with my hands, trying to keep it away from his touch.

"Oh no! I didn't know you were gay!"

"Just give me the damn food," he whines, giving me that puppy look.

"That won't work," I tell him sternly, but I look away anyway.

"It's just some Pringles, Clary."

"Just some Pringles? Just some Pringles? How dare you!"

"Alright, what do you want in return?"

"Ask nicely," I scold him playfully. "What's the magic word?"

"Please?"

"No, it's abracadabra, duh."

"Fine, abracadabra."

"I changed my mind. The magic word's avada kedavra."

"Isn't that a death spell?"

"Oh, is it?" I ask, sincerely confused.

He rolls his eyes.

"You need to read the series again."

"Well, you need to buy your own Pringles. Unless..."

"Unless what?"

"Who's the prettiest girl in the world?"

"Hmm, let's see. The prettiest girl. Maybe she has five letters in her name? Oh, I know. It's Aline!"

"Hmm," I say, eating my Pringles slowly as possible to make him jealous.

"Can I please have one now?"

"Nope."

"Alright, you are the prettiest, hottest girl I've ever met."

"Am I the nicest?" I ask, swaying the chips in front of his face.

"Well..."

"Alright, I'm gonna give this to Simon," I say, pushing him off and standing up.

"No, wait! You are the most gorgeous, most generous, the bravest and the wisest girl in the world!"

Laughing, I throw him the Pringles.

"You know, it might have worked if you just kissed me."

"I thought you loved Mr. Pringles and your babies more," he says with mock hurt.

"Yes, I do. But you see, Mr. Pringles is a bad kisser."

He laughs, pulling me down on his lap and kissing me.

I smile against his lips, hooking my arms around his neck. He plays with the hem of my shirt, and that's when I decide to pull away and plunge the chip in my mouth.

He stares at me incredulously, while I just shrug.

"I just thought he was getting jealous."

"Well, good for him," he says, then he drops the container without warning.

The chips hit the ground, and I just stare at them with my mouth hanging open.

"I don't like sharing," he says, and suddenly stands up.

Reflexively, I wrap my legs around his waist, which makes him smirk.

"Bedroom?" He asks.

"This is a T-rated fanfiction. We can't."

"Time lapse, then."

Yes, time lapse.

* * *

I look at the nightstand and my old stele placed gently on it. I stretch my arm out to reach it, careful not to wake him who has his arms wrapped tightly around me.

I touch the object, remembering the old time. I look at the rune of voyance on the back of my hand. Something I can't get rid of. Something that belongs to me. No, something that's a part of me. Like the Nephilim blood running in my veins.

"I'm a shadowhunter. I'm strong. I'm a hero," I whisper.

Just like Isabelle. Like Alec. Like Jace. Like Jonathan.

'Jace, I never knew I was this strong. But I am. And you helped me realize that. You took a big peice of my heart with you when you left. And you'll always keep that peice even though I love someone else now. But you also made me realize that people are able to live without that peice. They adapt without it. They fix each other. And you, Jace, are now a part of my happy memories. I won't cry over you anymore. I'll smile. I don't regret loving you anymore. It was beautiful. And Jace, I-'

"Clary," He breaks the silence behind me, still asleep. "I love you."

 **Whoever you think the _he_ is doesn't matter... I just thought I would leave it to your imagination. Jonathan(or Sebastian) could have died or lived. The boy in this chapter may be Jonathan or someone else. I just think stories are about how you take things in. So please don't kill me... I hope you enjoyed this fanfiction, and thank you for reading, following, favoriting, and reviewing.**


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